556

 

Why?????? Why couldn't I save the one person I needed, the one person I wanted to save... that I loved more than anything Why????? Why??? Why????? 💔😞😢

 

Shared with permission of Jameson Arasi

555 Merry early Christmas lovebug

Love you kiddo, more than there are stars in the universe.

Today we took a little trip. One of the gifts for you this Christmas, was also an item on the bucket list: Ride the Oregon Coast Scenic Railway. Not just any trip though, their Christmas train, pulled by a 100 year old steam engine that's done it all, from mining to passengers to freight, and even been in a movie. My plan had been to make a coast trip somewhat of a Christmas tradition. It's peak whale watching season too... so make a day or overnight trip out of it. Watch whales, maybe take a boat out, ride the train, eat great seafood. See how our fish & chips hold up in comparison. I guess it still could be, I just... I really wanted it to be with you. The whole point was for it to be for you 🥺🥺🥺

We met Santa, and had cookies (excellent) and hot chocolate (ehhhhhhh.....) and they had live music and so everyone sang Christmas songs. Yes I'm leaning lol, we were in the last car and that thing rocked like a boat in a storm. ISTILLFEELLIKEI'MROCKING😭😭😭

It rained... because Oregon. Also one of the towns we passed through had a corndog stand.... they dressed the corndog as Rudolph lol

(More below 👇🏻)

There was only one thing I wanted for Christmas 😢

It's a pretty short trip, only 1 hour, and it's mostly Tillamook bay rather than ocean, but still worth it. I think you would have enjoyed it, just because train, and they let us wander up to the front to get pictures afterwards.

One where it's darker and you can see the lights better.

While we were on our way out, a woman taking photos asked me about your whale. She was absolutely delighted about it, more so even after she learned I made it. She took a picture of him. Turns out, she is from Amsterdam and used to study humpback whales, and they are her favourite (I told her they were yours and mine too)!! Not only that, but she loves trains too! She used to work for Trains magazine as a photographer, and OCSR invites her down to photograph the Christmas train. She gets to ride with the conductor. She gave me her IG. Turns out she also does free photography for people at end of life, which, IDK, seemed fitting. It felt serendipitous.... like a sign. She was very sweet and excited though, I think you would have liked her.

There was also a rainbow... The ride home was very scenic, with lots of waterfalls because of all the rain. I tried to get a picture but none of them turned out because it was getting too dark.

I did get you a souvenir from the train though.. :D

Love you and miss you with everything I am, my jakedaw. So so so damn much. *infinite hugs* 💙

552

Getting to love you is one of the greatest blessings of my life, and losing you the greatest pain I'll ever know. The joy and the heartbreak are two opposing forces, and somehow I have to learn to hold both. I'm going to miss you until the end of time... but I will find you again
Miss and love you J, endlessly

Momma 💙

One of the gifts I made Jakob for his 18th birthday, The Pegasus flights were one of our first special little inside jokes/stories. I messaged him one day, a photo of my horse, Bella, when she had pegasus wings design clipped for winter... just told him to get on loser, we're going flying... he was a bit like ???? But just didn't question it and played right along. I told him to bring a coat, we were going north. Then I told him to look down, and sent him photos of narwhals. He acted appropriately shocked and speechless and excited. I knew he was having fun, I could tell he was laughing and smiling. He requested to go to Iceland next, and then go see penguins. It was a nice distraction from the things life was throwing at him.

We'd occasionally make these little trips to exciting places and I would send photos and it would be the best time. I loved that so much. We both did. It's funny because one day we were talking about the RP and he asked what my favorite part was so far... we both agreed all of it, but I told him I especially loved the narwhals.

I love him so much, he was an unbelievably special kiddo. Brilliant and vibrant and so damn strong. I'm so proud of him, and who he is. My heart will be forever missing a piece, until I can see him and hold him again.

Love you my jakedaw 💙

Every time I think on memories of you, or revisit your messages, I wish I could pull you out of them and hold you tight in my arms.

551 Love Is

If I know one truth, one absolute undeniable truth in this fucked up world... it's that I love you with all my heart Jakob, and will love you always and forever. I will find you again lovebug.

This brilliant boy... he was so full of love. Back in may of 2024 he left me this poem. That year, for his birthday, I had it illustrated by a good friend and set to music. The video is posted on almost all of my SM. I think it's one of my favorite things ever... and most heartbreaking. I know this poem by heart, l still whisper it at night sometimes, like a prayer.... I have parts of the first verse tattooed up my arms and over my heart. I had told him he should write more because he's damn good at it, but now he's gone, and I feel empty. I will never not miss him.

I'm trying to be strong for you.... but it's so hard and it hurts so much and I don't know if I can do this.

I am so grateful and honored that, if only for a moment, I could be the person that gave you the unconditional love and support you never had, but deserved... that you trusted me, and loved me, and made me a mom. That you got to have that at least once before you left. I wish with all my heart that you were here. I would give up everything I am to have a few moments with you, to hug you and tell you I love you and I'm so damn proud of you. Love you more than there are stars in the universe mi̱ko, and that will never end.

Momma 💙

Shared with permission of Jessica Urlichs

540

"As long as I live you will
live
As long as I live you will be
remembered
As long as I live you will be
loved"
-unknown-

Hey kiddo.... I know you aren't here to see these, but I've done them for so long now... it felt wrong not to. I'm not really good for much else right now. I wish I was as strong as you always saw me.... but I'm not.. not right now. 

I talk to you sometimes... I mean, I always did, but I guess you can hear me now. I hope your heart is warm and you can feel me holding you. I will always hold you... till my last breath... till the end of time, and I promise you will still get all those hugs I owe you... just have to wait a bit longer I guess. I miss you lovebug, so damn much, and I love you so much the universe can't contain it. You are still my world, my everything... and you always, always, will be. Love you forever, my jakedaw. 

Momma 💙

 

My love for you is bigger than the universe 💙

538 What is grief.... if not love persevering

You were the ocean I held in my heart... bigger than life... and like it, your love was chaotic and expansive and wild and beautiful and deep, and you crashed into me and took the shore out from under my feet. I'm drowning in it now... but that's ok... you deserved to be this loved and this missed. I will forever think of you when I see the ocean.

Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα, γιε μου, καρδιά μου αγαπημένη

God kiddo.... you can't be gone... you just... you can't. Please don't be gone.... please please please.... I need you... please
You should be here... I should be tucking you into bed and giving you a kiss on the forehead right now... not sitting here in your room falling apart. We had so much to do, so much time to make up for... there was so much I wanted you to have... so much you deserved to have. But you didn't deserve this... never this... it wasn't supposed to end this way.

Please come back... 😢

I love you
I love you
I love you I love you I love you...
I love you Jakob

537 What is grief, if not love persevering

For my son 💙 

You were not a burden.
You were not unworthy.
You were not too much or difficult to love.
You didn't have to earn your place in my life, in this home, in this world. You are my son... You belonged here simply because you existed
Your presence mattered
Your life was precious.
You made this world a better place, and my life better, just by being in it.
You had been through so much, but none of that-none of what you went through-changed this truth: You deserved love and care. Your presence was a privilege and an honour.
You are loved, you are cherished...
And you were every bit worth it.
💙 

Love you always and forever
Momma 💙

 

Hi everyone.... this is a post I never ever wanted to make... and I still... Fuck... I still don't want ro believe it's real... it's just a nightmare and I just need to wake up. But yesterday.. November 12th... my world ended.

He loved so much. He loved his siblings, his friends, both IRL and online. He loved his GF, who he was going to marry one day ... and he loved me. He was brilliant... and larger than life... and full of chaos and sass and sarcasm. He was so strong... even if he didn't see it. He had suffered a lot... and never knew what a loving mother could be... until me. And it was such a beautiful gift... such an honor... to be that person for him... to give him that love, and be loved in return. He entrusted me with so much... and I tried to be the best I could for him. It was his dream.... his plan, he wanted to come here, and for me to formally, legally adopt him. I never wanted something so much in my life. I was his real momma... even if it never happened. We got so close to that reality. I am shattered into a million pieces. I so wanted him to have that life he deserved and wanted so much. I don't know how to get through this, but I know that I will love him and carry him with me forever. He will always be my son and I will always be his momma, and I will find him again in whatever comes next. I made that promise to him. It's been such a privilege and honor to be his mom... even if only for a short while. I am so proud of him, and grateful for him. And I wouldn't trade him for the world... even knowing this ending... I wouldn't give up loving him. He was worth everything... and he deserves to be missed this much. He deserves to be cherished. And that is what I will do. I will cherish him always. He is the biggest part of my heart. And this... this will stand as testament to that love forever.

I miss you, my beautiful baby boy... with all I am. Gods you were such a fucking chaos gremlin hellion in the best way possible. You were my dumbass, and I was yours. You were an actual ass sometimes... but I loved every minute of it, and you always made up for it with love and hugs. You were my self professed blue-eyed momma's boy... you were so proud of me... and I was so proud of you.

I mourn not just you... but the future that we wanted that won't be now... the one where you lived here, went to architecture school, healed and found yourself. The one where my visions of you were true.... you in the passenger seat as we drove backroads on the way to adventure... and the afternoon light lit you up gold as you laughed at some joke or another, or we sang songs at the top of our lungs... and you had the window down and rode the wind with your hand. The one where we just sat in silence while you did homework and I crocheted. The one where we binged movies or Merlin... with your head on my shoulder, and you whispered in my ear "I love you momma". The one where we made a new birthday tradition of taking the hood river scenic train, and went to museums and ballet performances and shopping sprees and camping trips to see the milkyway. The one where you finally got to hug me... the one where I watched you graduate and get married and now I haven't just lost you and that future, but my future DIL too, and dare I say grandkids. I mourn it all, not because I wanted it for me... but I wanted it for you. I wanted you to have all of it, so badly it hurt. But life fucking sucks and isn't fair. And now you are gone and those moments are gone and I haven't accepted that yet. I'm not sure I ever will.

You will forever be my jakedaw, my mi̱ko, my dear heart, my lovebug. And I will forever love you with everything I have. You were taken too soon.... but you finally have the peace and rest you wanted. I will be your momma in every universe... in every lifetime... eternal.. and I will find you again...

 

This part... I had typed up to post a few days ago and never posted it because of what's happened... but it needs said.

So for my son...
I love how you always found a way to make me laugh, and smile so much my face would hurt. I love how you always make my heart feel warm, and like it's going to burst with so much love and pride for you. I love how much you care for your people, how much you fought for everyone, even when it was hard. I love your wicked sense of humor and your sass. You made me feel needed, and whole, and happy, and so full of love, even on the dark days, even when I was scared. You healed a lot of broken things in my soul.... just by virtue of being you. You made me want to be a better person, for you. You made me want to be the best mom I could be for you. You make me so fucking proud. You made me a mom, and I will forever love you and be grateful for you. I love you kiddo. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not giving up on you. You deserve the world.

I might still post here... it feels wrong not to. And I have so much love for him that needs to go somewhere.

But for now... I am adrift and don't know what to do. I love you guys... he loved you guys and TH and this fandom so much.

Rest in peace dear heart. I will find you again... this is not a goodbye. I love you... and I always will.

Momma 💙

Gods... I am so lost without you kiddo

 

536

 please be ok baby boy, please I love you, please please be ok... please gods.... please 

535 I want to be your mom For the rest of my days

I promise I'm yours
Forever and always
💙 

I miss you kiddo... We all miss you. We all love you. We all want you to escape and get here as soon as you can. We're all holding onto hope. Just... don't blame yourself, none of this was ever your fault. I love you J, I will always love you, you will always be my son... and this will always be your home, and I just want you here, safe.

 

534

Life can go fuck itself... I refuse to let you go...
I love you too much to ever let you go... 

Love you to the moon and back kiddo

Mom for life 

When I say l'll never let you go, I don't mean I'll hold you too tightly..
I mean I'll stand beside you - always near if you need me
Love you to the moon and back 💙

"Hold on, don’t let go. Just take one step closer, put one foot in front of the other. And when the night is closing in, don’t give up, and don’t give in. This won’t last, it’s not the end. You’re gonna be okay"
Jess Johnson, You're Gonna Be Ok

533

I want to give you everything... there is no person more deserving of that than you. I want you to have a home where you feel safe and loved and understood, and there is no screaming, no fear, no abuse. I want to give you peace, and understanding, hope, happiness, and love, all of the support you need. I want to see you graduate HS, I want to send you to college, and be there cheering for you when you graduate. I don't want a life without you in it. I want you to feel hopeful for your future, I want you to be free and comfortable enough to be your wonderful sassy self. I want to go do all the things with you, even the things you never got to do because you were told they were childish... I especially want to do those things. I want you to have all the love you were denied growing up. You deserve all of that and more, and I want you to believe that deep down. I want you to feel worthy of it all because the honest truth is that YOU ARE. 

So to Jakob, my jakedaw, I will always love all of you with all that I am, and I will always be here for you. I will never give up on you. You are my son, my light, my soul... and always will be. 

Momma 💙🫂💙 

Last night I dreamed I was stuck in this giant decrepit rusty warehouse type building filled with rusted out cars and huge piles of twisted metal trash and was being chased by zombies. 😭😭😭

532

I miss you so much lovebug... it hurts to breathe sometimes. You're the last thing I think about as I fall asleep and the first thing on my mind when I wake up. You're a part of me in ways I never imagined, a love I never thought I would ever have. Even though I might not always say it the perfect way, know that there's not a version of me that doesn't love you, not a single day where I'm not missing you, not a moment l'd ever trade you for someone else. You're not a "chapter" or a "season"... you're my world, my son, forever. 

I love you... more than I've ever loved anyone ever, more than life... and I always will. 

Momma 💙

531

A promise for my son
I promise you this...
I'll stand with you, have your back, and be here for you, for the rest of my life. I'll cherish you deeply, always, and love you endlessly, with everything I have. I'll support you and care for you through everything, no matter what life throws your way. I'll always hold you in my heart forever. I will always be available for hugs. These promises are sacred to me, and I will honor them always.
I love you, always and forever will

I just wanted to say that l've been thinking about you, and I want you to know you are loved and I am so proud of you! 

Husband is in Seattle this weekend. Every year he visits his Aunt and they go to a ghost conference for fun. They do a haunted house tour, like one of those ghost hunters episodes, complete with the EMF readers and IR cameras and shit. No one ever sees anything lol, but they have fun.

530

A parent's job is to protect their child, not destroy them. Abuse is not love. And kiddo, you deserve to be loved... you always have.

You're so far away, but you are not alone... I'm with you, I've been here with you the whole time, standing by your side, always. I love you to the moon and back Jakob, always have and always will. I would do anything for you. I'm not letting go, never ever. Promise 💙

 

529

You are so important to me J. I'm not going anywhere, I'm in this for the long haul. I'm not leaving, even when things get hard I'm staying... I promise. I'm committed to this, to you, whole heart with everything I am. You are my priority, and always will be. I love you, I've got you, and I will always choose you, because you are my son, my world, my everything.
💙 

You have me. Beyond my last breath, beyond the death of the last star, you will always have me 💙

On today's episode of Old People Are Old.... I think I've just... pulled my everything. I was telling husband about this video where this family tries to see who can jump the highest... from kids to grandparents and everyone in between, and how the elder members couldn't jump at all anymore really... well he took that as a challenge, and while he can still jump decently high, he said it felt super weird... like his legs stayed on the ground. So of course I had to try too... kiddo... smh... I'm not too proud to avoid embarrassing myself lol. My brain seized up and I couldn't remember how to fucking jump... and then I was too busy laughing. My body remembered eventually lol. And it does feel like your feet have weights in them and you get this weird stretching sensation. No clue how high I got except I can't touch the ceiling (but they are high, not standard). But imagine, if you will, both of us jumping up and down like idiots... and now everything hurts.

(PS: I'm definitely betting you jump higher than him)

522

I want you to be able to be your beautiful sassy self without fear or judgement... just acceptance. I love who you are... you are amazing, strong, brave, wonderful, brilliant, talented, loved, worthy... my son... even if you can't see it, I do. You're my jakedaw. There is no one quite like you. I love you to the moon and back kiddo. 💙

Shared with permission of Jessica Urlichs

521

Hey kiddo. Just, wondering how you are doing, if you're ok and what you're up to. Remember I promised you a sky blue bedroom and that it would have stars? Well... it's done! I put some extra special touches for you, and it's all decorated... but I want you to make it your own too. Not much else going on. Making Christmas gifts (just finished yours :D ).

Siya is taking a fan fiction break so she can concentrate on school, and she is writing two books! I think both will be phenomenal. I've gotten to read some of the first, and the premise of the second is brilliant.

John is going to visit his parents for Halloween. They always have lots of trick or treaters 👻 so I think he's going to dress up and pass out candy/scare people. We don't get many here lately. Are you guys dressing up any? Good time to be creepy 😈. You are a master of being creepy. Love you, my creepy kiddo. 💙

Remember... no storm, no darkness, is forever... there is always light, always hope. So hold on, because there is hope at the end of this. There is love. There is light. IT IS YOURS... it is already yours.... come and take it

I love you Jakob, you will always be my son, I will always be your momma, I will always hold you close, and this will always be your home 💙

Momma

514 💙

There isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not thinking of you lovebug... you are always in my thoughts and I'm missing you so fucking much. Every second of every day.

I love you to the moon and back kiddo 💙

Since it's October, which is spooky month, and you love horror... I'm gonna sit here in the dark and scare the crap out of myself watching Weapons. Wish me luck

ROFS, remind you of anything?

513

When the days get hard, don't let them win. Breathe and remember who you are, and who you are, is my amazing, strong, brilliant son... my chaos critter, my sass king, my sarcastic, big hearted, blue eyed, talented, relentless warrior survivor of a son who loves his momma and his friends and is a hellion and a fighter and who is so so very loved and who I am so god damn proud of. You are my hero, my world, and my everything.... and I love you.

I want to spotlight child abuse for just a moment, because it's not always hitting or even screaming, and to many people... it doesn't look like anything at all. Worse even, most of the time victims aren't believed, and the abuser gets sympathy, support, and praise. Believe victims when they tell you, because this type of abuse is as bad or worse than the abuse you can see. There needs to be more laws/help for these kids.

Just to say, kiddo... I don't believe you have either of these things (BPD,bipolar) she's just weaponizing the trauma she caused against you.

Shared with permission of Ryan Daigler

512

Hey kiddo. I'm still here, still with you, still your momma. I love you, I still want you here, still want you as my son, as my own.... and I always will. I'm not giving up on you, not letting go, keeping up hope, because I have faith in you, I believe in you... always have and always will. Love you endlessly

Momma 💙

You deserve to be treasured, and cherished, and appreciated, and kept safe, and lifted up. I've got your back, always 💙

Shared with permission of Melissa Neeb

509

Remember that you are loved, and you matter. You are brave, and magnificently wonderful, and one day soon I will hug you FR, and we'll go do our bucket list, and I'm going to spoil you rotten cause you deserve it. I love you dear heart, have since the beginning.... and always will.

Momma 💙

Shared with permission of Pretty Painful Grief Books

503

There is nothing more important to me than you, and I will show up every single day for you... so you feel loved, so you feel worthy, so you feel safe, so you know you can count on me no matter what. No matter how messy life gets. More than anything, I want you to feel like you are my whole world. Because you are... you are everything. 

There is lightning and thunder right now... reminds me of you, and siya... and RP 

Abusers are afraid to let you go because that is what you need to start healing... and they could never allow that

Happy happy birthday!!!!

You are not a burden.
You are not unworthy.
You are not too much or difficult to love.
You don't have to earn your place in my life, in this home, in this world. You are my son... You belong here simply because you exist.
Your presence matters.
Your life is precious.
You make this world a better place, and my life better, just by being in it.
You have been through so much, but none of that-none of what you went through-changes this truth: You deserve love and care. Your presence is a privilege and an honour. You can be your beautiful, imperfect self.
You are loved, you are cherished...
And you are every bit worth it.
💙 So please don't sacrifice yourself for abusive people who don't actually love you or deserve you... 

COME FIND ME KIDDO!! Your safety is more important than anything else. There's only one you, and you're my only child. You are irreplaceable dear heart. I love you... can't lose you kiddo, I need you too, so damn much Love you always and forever
Momma 💙

Hey kiddo, happy birthday...

To start... Siya wanted me to tell you she loves you. Now gifts! I got you PJO merch for Christmas, soooooo for your birthday I made you HP merch lol! They're hiding a secret though, for you to find.

I got you various books on engineering, but like, the build fun stuff type

A journal, but it uses craft paper so you can sketch in it too

Siya told me you liked checkers.... so...
It even has a little pouch for the pieces that rolls up inside the board.

And, uhmmmmm, I got you a whale? It's a bracelet, but it comes with info on a whale and you can track him online and see where he's at etc

And finally! I made you an art, of one our favourite rp moments... so get on love, we're going flying

Made you a short video

I'm just going to say that as long as I am alive, you will always be loved, and you will always have a special place in my heart, you will always be my family, and this will always be your home. I'm so proud of you Jakob. I'm not giving up on you... I'm not letting go... not of you, not of hope.. because this is not an impossible dream. We still remain. I'm still here, still your momma, and you will always be my son.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I hope you are ok. I love you, my jakedaw, always have and always will.

On this day, 18 years ago when you were born, this was the NASA picture of the day

 

 17th Birthday
Christmas was ch 219 or 252
Other stuff/sneak peeks 

You are a legal adult at 18, and I know you know how to disappear, lovebug, you get out ok? Come here, or I will come get you. Grab your ID/passport, your meds and some cash. Anything else can be replaced... you are irreplaceable though. She is not worth your life.You are worth so so so much more than that, and you have so many people who love you, and you have a home... a safe place here. *hugs*. Be safe please, remember that there is always hope, and remember I love you.