I'm never giving up on you.  I will always fight for you, always put you first, and always give you all that I can.  I love you more than life, unconditionally, I always will... and I also worry about you. It's been a long time.  I wish you could check in like, every couple of weeks or so.  I love you dear heart, you're my son, my world, my life.  Nothing can change that.  I've meant every word of it, and I mean to keep every promise I've made to you.

Did I ever tell you I wanted to be an interior decorator at one point?  Never actually happened, I'd probably be mediocre at best.  You seem to have triggered whatever was left of that though.  This is either going to be amazing, or a total disaster, but I think you'll love it either way.  No sneak peaks though.....

Ok small one:

Ps:  I have found the hot sauce for you.  😈

PPS:  one more week!  Prepare to be buried in an avalanche of love, hugs, and gifts. There's still time too... if you wanted me to visit...  I'd do it.

Love you kiddo. 💙

💙🫂💙

Sorry lovebug, I just don't have many words of my own tonight.  😔

I love you though, fiercely, infinitely...

 

Whose heart is whole?

Whose life has not been wronged?
The composer
sitting alone in the locked ward, 

playing the shadows

like a piano -
Life is like that: madness
Be the one in this world of furious burning
Who hears your life's great chaos
as a song. 

 - Joseph Fasano

My brain is just too much of a κόκορας.... I need you to be ok, and remember that I love you, and there is always hope, and I think you need to hear this: that you deserve so much love and hugs and peace and healing and happiness. Trust me, and know I'd never lie to you, especially about that.  You will make it here, and I will happily spend the rest of my life making up for all she never gave you, and all that you need and deserve.

Love you kiddo, always and forever.

Every day I wake up thinking of you. You are the last thing I think of as I fall asleep, and you fill every moment in between. I still fall asleep with my phone in my hand...  I miss my alarm clock.  I love my alarm clock, I love him very much. 💙

Gods I miss you.  I don't know that anyone other than you understands just how much.

Hold on, hold on to hope, and remember that I love you always, and you are not alone. 

*holds you tightly*

💙🫂💙

There are so many people cheerleading for us.

I had a dream...  He was a bit younger, middle school? So like 13 maybe.  I asked if I needed to sign anything and he said no, but that he got me a present and he pulls out this bag and dumps the contents out and it's just, there's a book. I don't remember what the book was, but there were stickers and like notepads and just all this stuff that had  "I love you, momma" on it,  and he gave me a hug and just kind of like leaned into me and I held him for a while and then I kissed him on the top of his head, called him a dork and started to tickle him and he was giggling, then I hugged him tight and told him I loved him. And then I woke up, and it was so vivid and I just wanted to fall back asleep and go back there into that moment and stay there forever.

It is two weeks till your birthday!!!  But I will always celebrate you, every single day, just as you are... because you are worth celebrating (shush, yes you absolutely are).  You're my hellion, my absolutely ✨magnificent✨ dumbass....  my joy, my pride, my hero... my son, and I love you, and that will never end.

I promise that will never end.

Watched some horror movies alone in the dark last night.  The Ritual- good movie, very tense, eldritch horror, highly enjoyed.  Last Voyage of the Demeter-Dracula on a boat....  had potential, but ultimately ended up bored.  Out of Darkness-Stone age horror?  Not really scary at all, music and sound design excellent though.  Just ended up being sad in the end.  Need more movies of existential dread.

I've got an over abundance of fruit here.  3 watermelons, 2 cantaloupes, and a bag of funky grapes!  Not to mention all the veg.  It's ratatouille, poblano chowder, stuffed peppers, and salsa season.

What else....  oh, managed to cover myself with gold paint cause the lid was stuck on and it exploded when it finally came off 👍🏻

Fridge tax:

Love you kiddo 💙🫂💙

The love you have for your chosen family is not a weakness...  that love is what makes you strong.  She doesn't get to ruin your that...

Love you mi̱ko...

Guess I wanted to match?  I've grown a white streak in my bangs.

Also, saw a porcupine today and they are so insanely adorable 😭😭😭. I remembered I need to get you a troll and take you to troll bridge so we can sacrifice to the troll gods... we can sacrifice Blonky?  Ooooo...  Bular...  I'm doing this...  *heads to Ebay*

I believe in you kiddo, I always have, and I've always been so proud of you.  These things will never change.  I love you Jakob, and I miss you.  I miss you so much.  You are always in my thoughts and in my heart, and yes...  I worry ok, I'm sorry... I can't help it.

Sending you all my love and lots of hugs.

💙🫂💙

I have so many birthday gifts to give you.  One is extra special, and very close to my heart.💙

You always told me to say what's in my heart... so that's what I do, what I've always done.  You deserve nothing less.  So, I love you J, to the moon and back.  I always will.  You will always be my son, and you will always be in my head and in my heart.  The world you fell in love with will always be yours.  I will always be yours, I will always want you here, I will always give you all that I am, and I will always be so proud of you.  Hold on to that.

I wish I could hug you

I wish I knew you were ok

I wish  I could be better...

you deserve better

Love you, infinitely 

Momma 💙

*hugs*

Love you mi̱ko

Love you more than life

Always have, always will...

I will always stand by you, and be here to hold your hand when you need it most.  I will love you, day after day, through thick and thin.  I will show up, not just for the easy moments but for the hard ones too. I will hold space for your growth, your mistakes, your triumphs, and your tears.  I will celebrate your victories, and comfort you in your moments of despair. I will be there with you at your best and your worst and believe in you always, and I will love you unconditionally through it all.

Hey kiddo,

How are you doing?  Did you make it back to the states?  I'm sending you love and hugs....

💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙

We're being flooded with pumpkin spice everything.  John got me a pumpkin pie drink but it tasted like wood and chemicals, don't recommend 😭😭😭.

Love you infinitely and for always

Editing to add....  I'm addicted to these dark chocolate wafer cookies now...  thankfully they don't come in pumpkin spice flavor 😭😂

Ps:  we have a mini-moon for 2 months!  That asteroid got snagged up in Earth's gravity I guess and will do one orbit and then slingshot back out into space.  IDK why I'm telling you this.  I guess because you like space.  *hugs*

Wherever you are, whatever is happening, if you need me... say the word, and I'll be there...  I'd go to the ends of the earth and beyond for you.

We chose each other, mother and son. My love isn't any less because of that.  I'm still here, I still want this, I'm not going anywhere. You are my son! You are worthy of this. You are my son.... and I love you.

I've said this before, but I wish I knew everything you're going through and feeling so I could find the right words to say to help you feel seen, safe, and supported. I would hold you and keep you safe forever, give you my strength whenever you need it. I will always be here for you, I will always give you all of me, and I love you, very much. That will never end.

We will get to the end of this though, and I will give you the biggest hug possible, and so much love you won't know what to do with yourself.

"There never is 'moving on'. It just doesn’t even make sense as a phrase. You never move on from your children."

You won't lose me, you will never lose me.  We will get you here dear heart.  I promise.

Gods...  I can't wait for your birthday,  I'm so excited for you to see everything.

added to new in Dbox.  Mostly random things... screenshots, musings, poems, posts.  Moved the audio there...  Idk if you'd listened to it yet. It's important to me though.  Will put birthday gifts in there when time comes!  Love you kiddo. *hugs*

Love you mi̱ko

Don't let me go...

please 😔

*hugs*

Got stuck at the highschool crosswalk as a soccer practice got out, watched some of the kids and their parents cross.  Looked like a happy loving family.... and their son, lanky with a head of curly black hair.  NGL, made my heart lurch.  And THEN, cause my damn phone is psychic, our song came on...  and I had to drive home trying not to cry, and failing miserably. Lol

... love you J, sooo so so very much

Sending you all the love and hugs and strength and peace that I can. Love you dear heart.

💙🫂💙

PS:  Stood out in the rain, for you... and you're right, it's soothing.  Gods, just, I hope you're ok, and come back to me soon; I miss you and love you, always.

PPS:  I found out there is a passenger train that runs between LA and here.  It's Amtrak so it's not like, cool as a steam train?  And it's slow... but still.  The station here is an historic landmark and was built in 1890.  So that's kind of cool.  I didn't look, but maybe it's close to the railway museum.

 

And no one deserves to heal more than you do, and I know I'm not perfect, but I promise you I will be that safe space for you.

Even If The World Don't Understand You, I Do

Hey kiddo...  are you out there?  Are you ok?

You are worthy, you were ALWAYS worthy, you were always deserving.  You're my son, and you  deserve to have this.  Love you J, endlessly.

*gives tightest hug possible and doesn't let go*

I can promise you, my mind and love will never change in this. You know how stubborn I can be. And I'll never abandon you, or give up on you , or turn on you, or scream at you, or demean you. And I could never be mad at you.... drill that one into you head next to the I love you. I know there were times you hung back... kept distant... because you thought I'd be upset, but I'm here to tell you... I won't, I will never be upset. So put fear and worry aside and trust that you are always safe with me and can always come to me with anything.

As The Summer Leaves To The Winter Breeze, I'm Not Leaving You

I'll love you for forever, and be proud of you always.  I'll fight through any darkness, face any storm, climb any mountain for you.

I hope we get to talk for a bit soon, or even just a message or two.  It makes my heart so warm and light, my brain go quiet, and pushes the dark away.  I miss you terribly, my little jakedaw, and I hope you are ok.  You are my light, you are all the magic in my world.  You'll never lose me, and I don't want to ever lose you.  I love you mi̱ko.  💙🫂💙

New Art of Dreamworks book just dropped. Has previously never released Jim & Claire 

To quote my most favorite person in the world.... *tidal waves of hugs*
💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂

Am I spamming you with loves and hugs? YES. Do I regret it or will come to regret it? NEVER.

Ily ily ily ily and this might be excessive but ILY KIDDO

A promise to you.

My love is not conditional.  It will never have to be earned. It will always be yours.

*revives you* Uhmmmmm, I just saw that LA area is on fire and a lot of places were being evacuated. Are you ok? Please let me know if you're ok dear heart...

Time Doesn't Move When I'm With You, And I Wouldn't Even Want It To

 I'd go through every storm that ever blew my way, just because I know you'll be there on the other side, just to have the chance to love you and care for you.

In every universe, I'd choose you.

I need the vid in dropbox (it's on youtube too) to be heard 😭😭😭 I sound weird and dumb..  I'm such a dumbass. I'm being so annoying, I'm sorry 

Stay, all I want to do is stay
Cause you are my favorite place
Through it all we will find
That I am yours and you are mine
In the fall, in the rise
I am yours and you are mine

Jakob...

Know that You are loved dearly, you are wanted... so very much, you are not, and never will be, a burden, and you are not alone. I'm with you always, in your head and in your heart. There is hope, and light and me, and so much more, at the end of this, I promise.

Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα, γιε μου, καρδιά μου αγαπημένη

I love you kiddo, infinitely.
Momma
💙🫂💙

So Come, Give Me Your Hand, Give Me Your Heart And I'll Carry It Everywhere

Stay, all I want to do is stay
Cause you are my favorite place
Through it all we will find
That I am yours and you are mine
In the fall, in the rise
I am yours and you are mine

Jakob... I know you're out there somewhere...

Know that You are loved dearly, you are wanted... so much, you are not, and never will be, a burden, and you are not alone. I'm with you always, in your head and in your heart. There is hope, and light and me, and so much more, at the end of this, I promise.

Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα, γιε μου, καρδιά μου αγαπημένη

I love you kiddo, infinitely.
Momma
💙🫂💙

Almost 50 years of keeping an open heart despite so much...  all so I could be the person and mom you need me to be, all so I would be here to find you.  And you are my purpose... my life.. my world... my heart... from now until it's last beat.  And you deserve that, me.. you really do You are so thoroughly a part of my heart and soul, of me... my beautiful boy... I love you too much, and I need you, that will never change.  You're my son, always and forever.. and I miss you.  I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being, and with every breath I take.

Please be ok... please stay with me kiddo...  I love you, I need you to be safe and ok.  You are loved dearly, you are wanted... so much, you are not, and never will be, a burden, and you are not alone. I'm with you always, in your head and in your heart. 💙🫂💙

The price I paid to exist 

was a mother who couldn't love me. 

My karma was a son made of love and shining stars.

-j jocelyn-

 Love you mi̱ko, love you to the moon and back 

Ch 113:

Are you ok mi̱ko? Please don't sink...  I will come wander all of Greece until I find you and pull you out of the dark

I love you dear heart, that will never change.  You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Watching a new show, A Discovery of Witches.  It's decently good...  bit Twilight sometimes.  It has Vampires, witches and demons... magic waning in the world.  The one MC finds a spellbound book and now everyone is after her because they want it.  She ends up with the vampire mc despite vamps and witches being enemies.  They fall in love, there ends up being time travel.  That's as far as I've made it (S2). Editing to add that after watching two episodes last night.... she's totally a Mary Sue.... still a better love story than twilight. 😂

We watched Kaos... Jeff Goldblum as paranoid tracksuit/gold aviators Zeus is a bit iconic.

Ch 112: And Light Breaks Through The Dark

Hey kiddo, I want to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, about anything, please reach out.... even if it is something good, something you're proud of, it's what I'm here for, after all.  I'm here to support you... through anything and everything. Let me know what you need... if it's to just listen, or if you need me to be there in person, flights are dirt cheap...  Let me help carry you.  Know that I care about you, deeply.  Know that you are cherished, that you are wanted, that you are needed, that you are loved, that you are, and always will be, my son.

Sending you all the love in my heart

Momma 💙

Ch 111: I Will Hold You Through The Storms

I will always love all of you with all that I have, I will always accept everything you are  with open arms.  Don't let go...  please... because I'm not... you are everything to me.

I love you mi̱ko... I love you... I love you...  more than there are stars in every universe... and gods... I miss you....💙💙💙💙

Sorry....  everything's hitting me a bit extra hard...

I love you Jakob,  I wish you were here.. safe... please stay safe for me

Momma 💙

Pppppfffttttttt.... us

Ch 110: And There Is Darkness In The Light

"Will you take me as I am,
Changed and broken.
Will you love me as I am,
Heart in the open.
Will you hold on to hope..."

"Because I love you, and I don't want to lose you, because I'm selfish, because I want it to be me, because I want you to show up at my door one day, because I want to give you a hug IRL, because I never wanted kids and can't have kids, but somehow ended up with one I love dearly anyway and I never want to let that go"

I know it's me... I always knew... but I'm a bit of a dumbass. And honestly, I don't want you to just show up randomly anymore. I mean.. I DO... but I want you here as soon as possible (I'd take you now, if I could), and like, I will come get you. I keep having the same dream... of the drive back. Flashes of the same moments, over and over. Sometimes I'm not even sleeping when they come to me. They feel like truth though, and shine like stars. But if you want to show up randomly before then, please do. Lol

You said you wanted every waking moment, you can have them, I want you to have them. I will give you every moment I have. You already have me forever... my whole heart, for my whole life. I love you kiddo. We're allowed to be selfish in that regard.

I know you are probably in Greece still and thus not reading these daily... I don't know when you will be back... but, if you can, try not to be gone too long.... please....
*whispers* you know my heart and mind... I'm afraid of the dark... and you know I worry about you too...

Ch 109: Don't let me go....

Grey day...

Just, know I love you, and I miss you...

Always

Ch 108: Holding On To You With Everything In My Heart

Save your strength

Rest your mind

I will never leave your side

 

Hey lovebug, I hope you are doing ok out there. I'm sending all the love and hugs and strength that I can to you. Love you, love you infinitely.

💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂

Ch 107: Our Names, There, Together...

I'll never give up on you, or on us, no matter what.  I will always be your momma, you'll always be my son, my dear heart, and I will always love you.

Hey kiddo.  I've realized that, while you have my # and email, I have zero way to actually contact you if I need to, like if some emergency happened.  Ao3 is nice, but it's not exactly a reliable way to reach you.  So IDK if you want to find a way to send me an email or # or something? Please.

Love you dear heart 💙🫂💙