Ch 25: Forget The Fear And Step Into The Great Unknown

I would chose you to be my son again and again, in every single lifetime.

There is always coming out on the other side.  l know how strong you are and how far you've already made it, so I know you can do this. And I'm sorry... maybe I'm being fucking selfish... But I don't want to lose you.... I love you kiddo... I refuse to give up on you, and I don't want you to give up on yourself, because you deserve all the love and hugs and happiness, and you'll have them.  I will fucking make it happen for you.

Ch 24: Everything Leads Me Back To You

I hope that you can read my heart, my mind, and see the love, the feelings, for the words I can't find.

I was cleaning up a bit and found these guys.  They've been guarding my plants.  I had collected them for a bit years ago and then it became too hard to get one before they sold out.  Some of them had names and little stories that went with them but I think those are lost now. I remember one was excited about helping make cookies. Anyway.... I want you to have them.  You can give them new names and new stories.  You'd have your own squad of adorably good hearted monsters, along with Wickett the Doomslug and Floof.  These guys aren't exactly cuddly, but they can help watch over you.

Ch 23: I hold a candle through the darkness

How do I tell you that you don't deserve the hurts of your past or present, but you DO deserve love, support, and compassion. How do I tell you that I love and appreciate every little thing about you.  How do I tell you how special you are, that you are irreplaceable.

I scored free lounge chairs.  I even drug them home myself.  I may not be as strong as I used to be, but I can probably give proper hug tightness.  Usually free stuff like that is kind of crappy, but these are actually really nice.  Comfortable too.

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I've been talking with people who, like Ade, have their BPD pretty much healed and are living lives happy and at peace.  I'm finding they all have one thing in common, they are all willing to help, and all have beautifully kind hearts, much like you.  So I have info on treatments, and other things that ended up being important in helping them to heal.  I want to be prepared, I want to be educated, I want to be able to do right by you, I want to give you the best chance at that happiness you deserve to have.  I'm ready to support and foster whatever you love.  I just.... I just want to help you in the best way I can, and give you all the wonderful things in life, because that's what parents are supposed to do for their kids, and because I love you.

Ch 22: Do You Understand The Violence It Took To Become This Gentle?

And the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.

You know practically all of me.  The violent abuse and the trauma... and accepted me and loved me despite those truths.  Truths very very few people know... I could count them on one hand... that's how much trust I have in you.  And I know you have that same trust in me.  I want you to know that you can come to me with anything, and  no matter what it is, I will always love you and could never be mad at you.  I went into this with eyes and heart wide open, accepting and loving everything you are.

Just know that I will always be there for you, to listen to and support you, with zero judgement.  You will only ever get love and understanding from me, and if it's something I don't understand, I will try my hardest to educate myself, and learn so I CAN be understanding.  I will be there, and give you love, always, and whatever else you need, be it to just listen and provide hugs, or help you problem solve.  I will be your shelter, your safe space, your light in the darkness, because you deserve that.  I will always be your soft place to land, no matter how old you are, and I will never leave you out there to fight the world on your own.  You will always have me for as long as I am alive.  That is a promise.  That is my solemn vow to you.

Just know J, that... I  can't... I don't want to lose you.  And that I love you, so very much. You are my whole world, my son. Always.

Momma 💙

Ch 21: Like The Stars Miss The Sun In The Morning Sky

You have me. Until every last star in the galaxy dies. You have me.

I've made an addition to the list.  Well, ok we do this every year so technically it doesn't need to go on the list, but berry picking.  Blueberries for me mostly, but there's marionberries, blackberries, and raspberries.

And it's kind of hot and miserable sometimes, but that's part of the charm?  Just down the road though is a little cafe that has excellent sandwiches, and across the street is a farm store that has all kinds of gourmet food items (like spices and hot sauce), AND excellent ice cream.  We always head there after.  They have a little pen of goats and chickens you can feed, which is fun because the goats like to headbutt your hand.  Then we eat half the berries and freeze the rest because I make a damn good smoothie (in my opinion).  I  just want to share all of it with you.

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I once told you just say the word and I would fucking put in for an expedited passport and be there.  Well, that stands more than ever now.  You need me, I will drop everything, and I will be there, for as long as you need.  Love you kiddo.

Fucking hell my brain is an absolute fucking asshole....  Please be ok....  please let me know you're ok...

Ch 20: And the song of your heart, it beats in mine...

*wraps you in warm hug*
ILY mi̱ko
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Just because...

There are 649 of these sketches........ 😬

I had the weirdest, most awesome dream. You know how you joked (or maybe you weren't joking) that your grandmother is Greek mafia, and she knew who I was and approved/wanted to meet me? Well I had a dream that a bunch of mafia dudes kidnapped me over summer break, tossed me on a private jet with one of those black bags over my head like in tv, then dumped me out in Greece in some kind of netflix movie-esque clandestine mother/son meeting. And I was 100000000000 % ok with it because I got to hang out in Greece with you for a couple of weeks, drown you in hugs and love, and meet your Grandmother who was very terrifying but also lovely and awesome. And the only favour I owed in return, was taking care of you and making sure you had a happy life full of love.

Ch 19: And I found you

I don't think I ever said this, so I'm saying it now.  Thank you.  Thank you for the absolute privilege of loving you, thank you for being who you are, thank you for letting me adopt you as my son and for trusting me to be your momma.  Thank you for the support, the humour, the love, the trust, for everything.  You have changed me, and my life, in profound and wonderful ways that I never knew I needed/wanted.  This is not the end of our story, this is not goodbye; it is just a brief... if somewhat difficult interlude, and we will make it to the next chapter... together.

I wish we were celebrating together, but happy first official Pride Month. I love you, and I'm so very proud of you.

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