Gods I miss you....  so much.

I love you mi̱ko, endlessly.

💙🫂💙

I'm officially making Thursday, throwback Thursday.  It'll be fun....  and embarrassing... for me.

So happy halloween and here's, what.... 11-12 year old me??? Fuck IDK, anyway... here's me as Cleopatra for halloween.  Enjoy, laugh even.  I don't mind... in fact, that's the point. 😌💙

A room where the ocean meets the night sky, and all the stars are spun of love and precious things, all for you. Love you dear heart.
 

Excuse me while I have a righteous mom anger moment.

The only parents that force their children to make promises like that, are abusers. That isn't normal, that isn't support, that isn't love. It's abuse, it's control, it's manipulation and isolation. I won't stand for it, and you do not have to keep it. You are a person worthy of unconditional love and unending support and compassion. You are not her fucking scapegoat puppet, you aren't anyone's thing to control. You are my son, and you are worthy and deserving of everything good, every kindness, respect, overflowing love, every bit of support and help that lifts you up, not drags you down into the dark. I won't abandon you in the dark. I'm never letting go. 

Never letting go... what it means when I tell you that. There is a huge difference between us (me and her). Where one means chained and imprisoned by control... the other would be a supportive and encouraging hug that is always there when you need it, and is still there, softly in the background, when you don't. It means always being there for you, never giving up, being the best I can be for you. Because you deserve that. You do. I love you kiddo, and you will never, ever, lose my love. Mom for life.

I want you to always feel loved, that you are safe with me, and that you can be the person you are without any fear. I want you to know that you matter, that you are important, that you are cherished, that I am here for you, that you are my family. I want you to know that you don't have to earn these things, they will always be yours. 

I will always be that proud parent now

 

You should watch The Wild Robot    

Just goats in halloween costumes....

Wondering if you guys are doing halloween/dressing up... and if you do, get some photos and save them for me! 

You can do this, we can do this. I know you can. I believe in you. Love you kiddo. 

No fireworks during tonights movie thankfully... cause it was proper creepy.

I love you kiddo... more than there are stars in every fucking universe.  There is nothing you could do that would ever make me love you less.

Saw a post on twitter that mentioned pillow forts and damn if I'm not totally down for that.

Adding the Rice Museum to the list...  it's not what you think... also it's really close by.  I've never been but everyone who has, loves it.  I'll just say, Toby would love it.

Also...  watching horror movies until November, and some asshat set off large fireworks because reasons?  I might have lost a couple of years off my life and gained 50 grey hairs.

I have so much I want to give you, so much I want to make up for. You deserve the world, you deserve all the love, and hugs, and happiness.  And I would do everything in my power to give it to you.  I don't care about anything else.  I always promised you I was going to hold on, and never let go.... that I would always love you no matter what...  and I intend to keep that promise.  You will get those hugs.

I'm dying ROFLMAO 🤣
From the Oregon voter's pamphlet

(follow the instructions at the end)
We salute you Michael Selvaggio, you mad lad genius. 🫡  

You ever bite into a hot slice of pizza and absolutely destroy the roof of your mouth? Yeah..... the bigger lesson here though, is don't eat anything with salt on it later... trust me on this. 😭

Just to say, I am so furiously proud of you.
Love you more than the universe could ever contain dear heart. 💙

Not permanent though, you are not broken, and you have me now, we just have to get you here.

Love you mi̱ko, always have, always will.
💙🫂💙 

And I would give anything for it. Cherish every single moment.

In light of it being national adoption week...  J, You will always be my son, I will always be your momma, I will always love you with all of my being... for forever, beyond my last breath...  I will always carry you close to my heart.  And wherever I am....  will always be your home and the door will always be open.

Soon, not ever again. We'll get you here, and I will do everything in my power to help you from feeling that hurt...

Was thinking of maybe trying crochet...  I could make you an army of doomslugs. And an extra big cuddly one.  Love you with all my heart, and miss you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.  The absence of you is everywhere... Please don't disappear 😢

🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙🫂

I was looking for something and came across old conversations from when you were in hospital...  and you probably don't remember this, you thought you'd failed to be an ordinary person....  and you were partially right, because you aren't ordinary....  no, you are extraordinary.  You are an extraordinary person, my son, in so many ways.  I hope you can see that.  You are an extraordinary person and you deserve extraordinary things.

I love you intentionally. I love you with every bit of conscience I was born with.

Got you more boooookkkkkssss heeheheheeeee.  On engineering 😌

Ooohhhhh...  you can combine the two, you'd be like ultimate Jim on gravesand with a grittshaka....  unstoppable force.

I am not leaving you. I am never leaving you. I will love you, and support you, and guide you, and cheer you on for the rest of my life

*Send this to all your favourite moots and pass the pumpkin round! KEEP THE PUMPKIN TRAIN GOING 🎃🖤🎃🖤🎃*

Just....  for old times sake.  Love you kiddo.  You're my favorite person in the whole world.  💙

Sons are the best, especially mine.  You always make me smile and make my day brighter.  Love you to the moon and back kiddo.

Got a halloween lego set



Also, I have done my part and voted. It's even more important to me now, because I want a country where you are able to have a bright and safe future.

I'm trying, to be the best I can for you.  You deserve that, at the very least.  I don't want to let you down.

Doomslugs on parade. Totally not a bedroom sneak peek... nope. 🙂‍↔️🙂‍↕️ 

 
 

I had an idea... and Pinky and others thought it was good.... but since you can't update very often online, postcards might work? They are cheap, don't require a return address, or envelope, readily available at pretty much any corner store, gas station, grocery... some places you can buy, write and mail all in one place. Unless you have other ways we could keep in touch? IDK, just an idea.

*hugs you tight as possible and doesn't let go*

I Love you mi̱ko, more than anything in this world. I will always love you, and I'll never stop.  I'll always be there with you, in your heart.

Throwback Thursday to when we went as zombies to a barn Halloween party and all the children there were scared of John because he refused to smile. 

 

(Very unprofessional makeup by me using random shit we already had.... white and charcoal eye shadow, and pretty sure the fake blood is just lip gloss lol) 

Watched Alien: Romulus.... just gonna sleep with all the lights on forever now.

I love you dear heart.  You're strong, here in your heart.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.    Don't let anyone take that from you. 💙

 

One of the other beaches I wanted to take you too!! This one is a short hike down from a lighthouse. The sound is literally amazing. It's probably the most relaxing noise ever. Plus there are awesome tide pools at low tide, a ton of sea lions, sometimes otters, and a lot of times there are whales feeding just out past the rocks. 

Love you J

Hey mi̱ko, Noticed vixen's halloween fic was locked so I snagged it in pdf for you and plopped it in dbox. I'll update it on Mondays. Love you kiddo
*hugs* 

 

Did you know there's a shipwreck on the beach in Astoria? I'll add it to the list. Astoria is also where Goonies was filmed... but I'm pretty sure you haven't seen it, it's old, like 1985 old lol. I'll add Goonies to the movie list!

If you're curious, the ship is the Peter Iredale.

I had a dream... that when I woke up you were finally here...

I'd always felt like I, my life, my soul, had a part that was supposed to be there but was missing.... until I found you and you slotted into place like you'd always been there. You became such a part of me... always meant to be there
Always meant to be
Always 

My son 

I love you

I will always be your home

I'm sorry 😭😭😭

Love you bunches and bunches and bunches lovebug

Forgot to say...  I uhhhh....  I tried to see if I could get Tiny Tim to do a short video wishing you happy birthday, but his manager never replied 😭😭😭

Pppssssttttt. Hey kiddo, I have questions.

I have a vision kind of, for Christmas.  You said armor...  like, specifically the trollhunters armor?  Or just in general?  And for Si, I want to make sure to be respectful, religiously... hair covered or?  If you think of any other details, or any other gifts you would like, lemme know.  Already got some things 😌 Usually I just know this stuff, pick it out from things you've talked about. 😭

Which brings me to a request.  Two months is....  too long, honestly. 😔  I hate this feeling of disconnect, and don't you dare feel guilty or apologize.  No, stop it. *extra extra extra times 3 tight hugs*  I love you dear heart, we're ok. I know I keep asking this, and I'm sorry... just...  could you keep me updated?  In the loop?  About you, how you're feeling, things going on in your life...  ? Dreams, celebrity crushes, new things you like, theater? New friends? Funny shit, just say hi.. Anything.

Please...  ok I'll shut up about it now, I know I'm being annoying... I'm sorry

You are my whole world, and I love you, my brilliant shining son, endlessly.   Love you more than my heart can contain.  Love you more than all the love ever felt by anyone in this universe combined. *♾️ tight hugs*

Momma

💙

PS:  sorry, not sorry, for tomorrow's post 😅

I could lose anything, but I couldn’t ever bear losing you. And you will never lose me either.  As long as I exist, you will always be loved.

Sorry about yesterday's post....  bad dreams.  Not feeling great here, so if I miss a day that's why.

Hold on, stay true to yourself, escape. Get here, I will do everything in my power to help you heal.

On Architecture And Life

I hope you had an amazing birthday and lots of fun at your party!!!  I also hope someone took pics and saved them for me to see one day lol.  Getting to talk to you makes my heart warm, and full.  Thank you for that, and just, for being your fabulous self. We should talk more often lovebug.  I miss it... a lot.  I miss you, and being more a part of your life.  I have so much I want to give you.  AND..  I love hearing you excited.  I really do want to see your drawings. I know you're amazing at it.  You got the artistic talent from me 😌

I really was serious.... happy extra birthday? Super early Christmas? 

 

This one is fun because it gives you ideas/examples, and then a space for sketching. 

I know this is one of your loves. I'm not trying to force that career path though. It's for you to play around and have fun with on your own, study if you want, but let loose, see how you like it from a more academic perspective. If it makes you more excited and sure of that choice then awesome. If you find you hate it, still awesome! I'm excited and proud either way. I just want to give you the support of your passions and help you find the path you want to go down. It's not something I had, and since I was left to try and figure it out on my own, I basically washed out of everything. I won't continue that cycle with you.

I know you made a promise to them to "get your life together", and the consequences of... but that was forced from a place of control, manipulation, and abuse. Coerced promises shouldn't need to be honored. That should never have been done to you. And I'm undoing it. I'm not going to make you pledge the same. I want you to find a career you love, I want you to thrive in life, have that happiness and sense of fulfillment and pride in yourself and have fun, have your friends, have a social presence... that is coming from a place of love, and support. That's not going to bloom from a place of dictation and control. That's a battle that is extremely hard to win. It's one you don't have to fight. I don't want you to have to fight for that. 

So I'm making a promise to you, which is the way it SHOULD be, to help and support you with love, and if it turns out Architecture is it, or you go through 15 different options before deciding you want to open a pet store or something, I will be passionate, and supportive about each and every one. And I will help, yes, but in a way where you also build self confidence, self reliance, and independence. But even then, after everything, and you go on to build your life, even then, you'll still have my support. Self reliance doesn't mean you're on your own and I walk away. Mom for life. I love you kiddo. 

 Momma 💙

Happy Happy Birthday Kiddo! 💙

Happy birthday!!!!!!!

Happy happy birthday to the most amazing and wonderful son a mother could ask for. I love you Jakob, love you more than life, love you so much the universe could never hope to contain it, love you infinitely, forever and always.

I know it's just a sketch, I was uhm... too emotional to do more... but to make up for it, you get an original Honey art

And one from a friend

There is a very very special art in dbox. I wasn't sure if it was something you'd want posted here. I hope you love it as much as I do.

And.... ok so I go overboard on gift giving. I can't help it 😭 This and some other things, will be waiting here for you.

And last, but not least... I wish I could embed video instead of just a link... but this one is extra special to me. Hopefully youtube doesn't block it because music, but it will be in the dbox, along with everything else. I'll put the individual images in there too.

Love is- an illustrated poem

And we can't forget that I said I would sing happy birthday and then die of embarrassment... well. LMAO... enjoy haha. You can stop it after the balloons start, they're just there to stop it from becoming a youtube short. Yes it's in dbox as well.

Happy Birthday!!! (Or... your momma is embarrassing...)

Happy birthday dear heart 💙

We remain. You will always be my son, I will always be your momma. We remain. You are loved and cherished, you are an irreplaceable and precious part of my life. We remain. This is not an impossible dream, it's not out of reach, it's not a stupid wish. We remain. You are wanted, you are enough, you deserve to have unconditional love, so much, you deserve to heal. We remain. I told you that you would never lose me, and you aren't. We remain. We will get you here, you will get all those hugs, we will do our bucket list and binge Merlin, and visit the ocean, and I'm still going to adopt you if you'll have me. We remain. You will get everything she never gave and then some, I promise you that. This is not all that remains, WE remain, we are both still here, you and me. We remain, and I love you, my little jakedaw, always have and always will. 💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂

and there is this from July, it's in dbox too but not sure you ever got to listen since you were in Greece

Love you, child o'mine, love you endlessly.

Miss you.  I wish I could just give you a long hug right now.  I need it just as much.  I wish I could talk to you, I miss the sappiness, the sass, just... everything.  Hold on for me dear heart, I've got you and I promise I won't let go.

Floof is prepared...

 

I'm your dumbass, but I'll be your nobody too 💙

For You And I The Song Plays On And On

"When you're able to tell someone your pain, past, and trauma, and they actually love and accept the real you, without trying to change you. When you can stand in front of them and their response is, "You're Safe With Me", and they mean it, deep in the heart of them. That is something truly special, never let that go."

I love you mi̱ko.. Jakob... Jim.  I love you, and you are safe with me.

And When I'm Missing You To Death, This Will Guide You Home

They will see us waving from such great heights

Come down now, they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away

Come down now, but we'll stay

TIL how to remove and install a cone baffle for recessed lighting, plus replaced an air vent register, put some furniture together,  replaced curtains, and hung some pictures.

💪🏼  (oh and folded sheets but that's less fun. I can totally teach you how to fold fitted sheets though... but school of "shove them in a drawer unfolded" is also acceptable).

My memory is absolute shit, but I remember every role play bit, every conversation, every laugh, every cry, every I love you momma, every terrifying moment I thought I'd lost you, everything you said you love, every hope and dream you said you have.  Everything that was said.  All of it, with perfect clarity.  That's how special it is and how much you mean to me.

Beyond The Limit Of A Mind, Limit Of A Heart, Limit Of A Body....

Hey lovebug,

I have heard you are back to training!  Are you doing a specific production?  I would give anything to see.  I'm so unbelievably happy you were able to pick back up, I know just how much it meant to you.  Love you kiddo, and proud of you.

momma

PS:don't train too hard, remember to eat and drink and get enough sleep.  *mom mode off*

I love you mi̱ko, with all that I am

I miss you terribly

Sending all the love and hugs I can

💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂💙🫂

You mean more than anything in the world to me.  I love you, and I'm so fucking proud of you.  *infinite hugs*

💙

Momma

found these while scrolling through messages last night. They make my heart feel warm 😌 

Saw a post that claimed people need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth... *does calculations*

I'm gonna owe you a lot of hugs....

I'll make sure you get every last one.

Love you J

*hugs*

💙🫂💙

Sacrificial Bular acquired 

Come here mi̱ko

*extra long soft mom hugs*

I love you.

I know life has been down, but life can go fuck itself. I refuse to let you go...  I love you too much to ever let you go. I'll rule 3 life.  I don't know martial arts, but I'll roundhouse kick life and you can laugh at me because it will be hilariously sad because I'm old and disabled, but I don't care...  I'll still do it, for you.

I have drawn this masterpiece for you.  IDK why life looks vaguely like Steve, but I look like the total badass that I am.  Yes, your momma is a badass, where do you think you got it from?  My hellion child.  You're my chaotic feral kiddo, I am Chaos.  But I'm also Calm, and Safety, and Love, and Healing, and Peace. You know this.  I'll take down evil gods for you, and give you warm mom hugs and a kiss on the forehead after, and watch over you so you sleep sound.  You want to be angry and rage?  I'll make space for you to get it all out.  I've got you, I will always help see you through things.

Fucking mom power right there...  and it's all for you, cause I'd do anything for you.  Love you more than life.