Ch 43: There Is A Truth, And It's On Our Side

I'm not going anywhere, and I'll send you hugs and love every damn day for the rest of my stupid life.
💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂

 J, I have so much I want to give you, so much I want to make up for. You deserve the world, you deserve all the love, and hugs, and happiness; and I would do everything in my power to give it to you. I don't care about anything else. I always promised you I was going to hold on, and never let go.... that I would always love you and be here for you no matter what... that I would help you find that peace and happiness... and I intend to keep that promise. I will keep that promise. You will always be my son, I will always be your momma. Love you mi̱ko, always.

Ch 42: Family Is What I'll Fight For, Family Is What I'll Protect

"The heart is a connection between two souls, no distance, no misunderstanding, nothing can break it apart" 

 -Unknown-

I love you dear heart, so damn much.

 *extra tight hugs*

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Ch 41: The Love In My Heart, It's Never Ending

I promise to be here for you—
through every bad day, and every good one; because I'm the luckiest mom in the whole world, to have you as my kid. I love you. Nothing will ever change that

Ch 40: Hold On To Hope

You are loved.

You are valued.

You belong here.

You are already enough.

I miss you, again
and since I cannot tell you
I leave it here instead
in hopes that some day
it will find its way to you
- E.F.      

Lookit what I'm making! I know a certain someone that would love this and probably be able to tell me all about Azure Kingfishers. But since I cannot talk with him.... Azure Kingfishers are found mainly in Australia and Tasmania, living on the banks of creeks, lakes and other bodies of water. Their scientific name is Ceyx azureus, and they are one of over a hundred kingfisher species found around the world. They love to eat small fish, prawns, other small crustaceans, and small frogs. Adults are around 7" long and weigh around 1oz (30 g). Their feet are red and only have two forward facing toes. They also have two large white eyespots on either side of their bill, that are mostly only visible from the front, and may ward off potential predators. 😌 

Gods, I miss you so much, every second of every day. I love you, my little jakedaw, love you endlessly. I hope you're healing well, staying cool (no Jim, not crispy), and enjoying the thunderstorms. Stay safe for me kiddo. *hugs* ILY 💙 Momma

Ch 39: This Will All Be Over Before We Know It

Meanwhile on Tumblr....... 

Listen, I've made this promise before but I'm making it again because I'm always going to put you first, you will always be my top priority... when you get to where you're going, here on this coast (or even between now and then), if you need me for any reason at all...  if you miss me, if you need a hug, if this gets too hard, anything... you say the word and I will be there.  I don't care what I have to do... fly, drive, train... I will drop everything and be there, for however long you need me.

Love you mi̱ko 💙

Ch 38: But You Are Always Here With Me

... I love you, you know that?  Just felt an overwhelming need to say that... (aka how many times can I say love you in one post.  You can put it down for a "Wtf did Momma's brain say today" episode... yes, learned about that... and no being sorry!  I absolutely love it. 🥹)

I'm going to love you in your weakest moments to your strongest ones. I'm going to love you when you're happy and I'm going to still love you the most when you're sad. I want you to understand that I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere. I want to love you, each and every piece of you. I love you with your imperfections as much as I love you for you. And I'm always going to love you, I'm always going to be here loving you with everything I am.   I just want to hug you... I need to hug you...

Ch 37: In This Darkness Is The Light

I wish I could give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, so you can see just how special you are, and how much you mean to me.

Ch 36: There Is Always Hope, Even If It's Hard To See

Can you feel me?  In your heart? Cause I can feel you. Just concentrate on that. I've got you still, always, and I won't let go.  I love you so very much J, love you endlessly, and I'm so proud of you.

I told you the blue room would be yours...  but I'm taking that back and giving you something better, something a bit extra special... something I'm making just for you. I promise it'll still be sky blue though, and will most definitely have stars.

Ch 35: Never Underestimate My Fight For Those I Love

I will always fight for your happiness and safety, your freedom of self expression and sense of self, your dreams and goals, and your future.  I will fight to give you the life, and the unconditional love you deserve.  Because you do deserve those things, all of them and more, and you are worth fighting for.

Mom power...

  Remember back a bit, when I was trying to load my library card up with books for you but their system was broken? Well they fixed it. So now I'm passing it over to you. Login and other info is in main DBox. Love you J 💙

Ch 34: You Fill Each Moment, Each Empty Space

Sometimes everything  will be overwhelming. It might wash over you in waves, making it hard to see the light through the darkness; but I will always be with you, in your head and in your heart, helping you find your way.

I will love you, beyond the end of time... no one can take that from us, and nothing will ever change that. We will get through this. Just don't let go ok? 💙

Just....  just know that you'll never lose me.

Ch 33: And I Will Run Along The Break Of Day

We are, all of us, stardust... held together by love, for an instant.

I will rip time
out of fate's hands
and swim
through the stars,
if it means
finding you again
wherever it is
you end up next,
just so l can tell you,

I love you, always

    

 Stay cool, stay hydrated, stay safe 💙

Ch 32: We Are Almost To The Moon

I told the moon that I missed you & it told me you've been missing me too.

When your soul is weary,

You can rest in mine.
If your tears are about to fall,
lay your head on my shoulder.
If your spirit is about to break, let my spirit lift you up.
When you are in too much pain, let my gentle touch soothe it away.
When you are too tired, let yourself rest in my warm embrace.
When you can't contain your joy, always know you can share it with me.   

 I DO want kids, ONE kid, MY kid, only him... I just want him, here with me... I have hugs to give him, time to make up for... and love that is his...

Ch 31: Our Time Will Come

Love you little jakedaw... love you infinitely.  I will always be here with you, always...

💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Last call, all in bloom
And your broken hands, they dress me in blue
Morning Star over the Dew
When it all breaks down I'm reaching out for you...

Ch 30: Waiting For You

I may not do everything right, but I try my hardest, for you.  I love you mi̱ko, and I won't abandon you.

I'm not trying to stand in the way
I will love whoever you are
Nothing here is gonna take that away
It is you and it's been from the start.

 

You know your momma is an absolute dork right? Like.... part of me never really grew up lol. I think that is important, actually. To keep those fun, dorky, parts of yourself. Be an adult with adult responsibilities, yes, but also have fun, be silly, be humorous, play with Lego, or action figures, or stuffed animals... watch cartoons, dance around to music, read YA books, microwave taco shells, paint rocks, search for tardigrades, have FUN! It's a crucial part of life, and relationships. So while it's good to do by yourself..... it's even better with someone else. Especially if that someone is family that you love dearly. So be prepared for some very unserious, but still very important, times ☺️😅
Love you J. 💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂

Ch 29: Happy Father's Day

I love you always, with everything I have, no matter what. 💙

"I LOVE YOU" means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I don't wish to change you into someone else. It means that I do not expect perfection from you, just as you don't expect it from me. 'I Love You' means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you are in a bad mood or too tired.  'I Love You' means accepting you fully, flaws and all, and being there for you through thick and thin. It's a powerful commitment to support and care for you no matter what.  That will never change, and never end.

Ch 28: My Love Is Vengeance....

I will always fight for you, and for the love and life you deserve.

Ch 27: What Shall We Do With Our Lifetime

I will be your calm. Be your home. I won't be another battle you have to fight.

Adding to the bucket list!!  I can't believe I forgot about it.  Silver Falls State Park, 10 waterfalls, 3 you can walk behind.  Salmonberries if the time of year is right, and not too far away is another park with caves.  Somehow I've only ever been once.

I wonder if you get to read these every day...

Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα, γιε μου, καρδιά μου αγαπημένη....

Ch 26: The Call

I promise, You have me until my last breath.

Someone asked what maternal feelings were like, this was my answer.

I'm in my late 40s. I never wanted kids, made sure I can't have them...... and then this kid kind of dropped into my life and turned it on its head and it was like a switch flipped. It was an overwhelming desire to care for, love, and protect him, to not abandon him in his difficult moments or have them diminish the love I have for him. There is nothing in this world that he could do that would ever make me stop loving him.  It's unconditional love.  It's  accepting and cherishing all of him because he's an irreplaceable and priceless part of me; he's become part of my soul.  I want to celebrate him, guide and help him to find peace and happiness in his life, help him to find who he wants to be, and support him in any way I can.  I love him, and he makes me proud every single day. I want to give him the world, he already has all of me.

Ch 25: Forget The Fear And Step Into The Great Unknown

I would chose you to be my son again and again, in every single lifetime.

There is always coming out on the other side.  l know how strong you are and how far you've already made it, so I know you can do this. And I'm sorry... maybe I'm being fucking selfish... But I don't want to lose you.... I love you kiddo... I refuse to give up on you, and I don't want you to give up on yourself, because you deserve all the love and hugs and happiness, and you'll have them.  I will fucking make it happen for you.

Ch 24: Everything Leads Me Back To You

I hope that you can read my heart, my mind, and see the love, the feelings, for the words I can't find.

I was cleaning up a bit and found these guys.  They've been guarding my plants.  I had collected them for a bit years ago and then it became too hard to get one before they sold out.  Some of them had names and little stories that went with them but I think those are lost now. I remember one was excited about helping make cookies. Anyway.... I want you to have them.  You can give them new names and new stories.  You'd have your own squad of adorably good hearted monsters, along with Wickett the Doomslug and Floof.  These guys aren't exactly cuddly, but they can help watch over you.

Ch 23: I hold a candle through the darkness

How do I tell you that you don't deserve the hurts of your past or present, but you DO deserve love, support, and compassion. How do I tell you that I love and appreciate every little thing about you.  How do I tell you how special you are, that you are irreplaceable.

I scored free lounge chairs.  I even drug them home myself.  I may not be as strong as I used to be, but I can probably give proper hug tightness.  Usually free stuff like that is kind of crappy, but these are actually really nice.  Comfortable too.

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I've been talking with people who, like Ade, have their BPD pretty much healed and are living lives happy and at peace.  I'm finding they all have one thing in common, they are all willing to help, and all have beautifully kind hearts, much like you.  So I have info on treatments, and other things that ended up being important in helping them to heal.  I want to be prepared, I want to be educated, I want to be able to do right by you, I want to give you the best chance at that happiness you deserve to have.  I'm ready to support and foster whatever you love.  I just.... I just want to help you in the best way I can, and give you all the wonderful things in life, because that's what parents are supposed to do for their kids, and because I love you.

Ch 22: Do You Understand The Violence It Took To Become This Gentle?

And the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.

You know practically all of me.  The violent abuse and the trauma... and accepted me and loved me despite those truths.  Truths very very few people know... I could count them on one hand... that's how much trust I have in you.  And I know you have that same trust in me.  I want you to know that you can come to me with anything, and  no matter what it is, I will always love you and could never be mad at you.  I went into this with eyes and heart wide open, accepting and loving everything you are.

Just know that I will always be there for you, to listen to and support you, with zero judgement.  You will only ever get love and understanding from me, and if it's something I don't understand, I will try my hardest to educate myself, and learn so I CAN be understanding.  I will be there, and give you love, always, and whatever else you need, be it to just listen and provide hugs, or help you problem solve.  I will be your shelter, your safe space, your light in the darkness, because you deserve that.  I will always be your soft place to land, no matter how old you are, and I will never leave you out there to fight the world on your own.  You will always have me for as long as I am alive.  That is a promise.  That is my solemn vow to you.

Just know J, that... I  can't... I don't want to lose you.  And that I love you, so very much. You are my whole world, my son. Always.

Momma 💙

Ch 21: Like The Stars Miss The Sun In The Morning Sky

You have me. Until every last star in the galaxy dies. You have me.

I've made an addition to the list.  Well, ok we do this every year so technically it doesn't need to go on the list, but berry picking.  Blueberries for me mostly, but there's marionberries, blackberries, and raspberries.

And it's kind of hot and miserable sometimes, but that's part of the charm?  Just down the road though is a little cafe that has excellent sandwiches, and across the street is a farm store that has all kinds of gourmet food items (like spices and hot sauce), AND excellent ice cream.  We always head there after.  They have a little pen of goats and chickens you can feed, which is fun because the goats like to headbutt your hand.  Then we eat half the berries and freeze the rest because I make a damn good smoothie (in my opinion).  I  just want to share all of it with you.

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I once told you just say the word and I would fucking put in for an expedited passport and be there.  Well, that stands more than ever now.  You need me, I will drop everything, and I will be there, for as long as you need.  Love you kiddo.

Fucking hell my brain is an absolute fucking asshole....  Please be ok....  please let me know you're ok...

Ch 20: And the song of your heart, it beats in mine...

*wraps you in warm hug*
ILY mi̱ko
💙💙💙💙💙💙
Just because...

There are 649 of these sketches........ 😬

I had the weirdest, most awesome dream. You know how you joked (or maybe you weren't joking) that your grandmother is Greek mafia, and she knew who I was and approved/wanted to meet me? Well I had a dream that a bunch of mafia dudes kidnapped me over summer break, tossed me on a private jet with one of those black bags over my head like in tv, then dumped me out in Greece in some kind of netflix movie-esque clandestine mother/son meeting. And I was 100000000000 % ok with it because I got to hang out in Greece with you for a couple of weeks, drown you in hugs and love, and meet your Grandmother who was very terrifying but also lovely and awesome. And the only favour I owed in return, was taking care of you and making sure you had a happy life full of love.

Ch 19: And I found you

I don't think I ever said this, so I'm saying it now.  Thank you.  Thank you for the absolute privilege of loving you, thank you for being who you are, thank you for letting me adopt you as my son and for trusting me to be your momma.  Thank you for the support, the humour, the love, the trust, for everything.  You have changed me, and my life, in profound and wonderful ways that I never knew I needed/wanted.  This is not the end of our story, this is not goodbye; it is just a brief... if somewhat difficult interlude, and we will make it to the next chapter... together.

I wish we were celebrating together, but happy first official Pride Month. I love you, and I'm so very proud of you.

🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙