Ch 75: This Love, A Ravaged Heart Overflowing

Remember, you are not a failure, you are not a disappointment, you're not a burden, you're enough just as you are.  You're brilliant and kind and protective and loving and you have such a good heart....  I see it all, even if you don't.

I'm your mother, but I'm not her, never will be... you don't have to prove anything to me, I already know, already trust and respect you, already proud of you.  So please never ever be scared to come to me with anything, or talk to me.  I love you, all of you, just as you are.

Ch 74: This Soul, Split One Thousand Ways And None

Cracked Open by Lawless (Youtube) 

 *You lose your mind
To find your heart in the dark
Time to brave the unknown
It's time to make your way home 

Return to me
It might hurt to breathe
But please return to me again*

Please don't pull away. You have done nothing wrong, you are not broken, you have not ruined anything... especially not this, none of this is your fault.  You are the victim.  You are worth more than what you have experienced.  You are the victim and you do not deserve any of it, and it was never your fault.  You are the most important person in my life, but that is not something you have to live up to or strive to be worthy of, because you already are... you always have been, just as you are.  I willingly give you my all, my heart and my soul, because that is something you DO deserve.  You are my everything, my son, and I love you.

Ch 73: This Life, It Always Just Felt Like Dying

There is a place in my heart that will never belong to anyone else but you. Love you mi̱ko

Ch 72: I Fall, And The World Is Undone

No matter what, I love you and will stand beside you. You are not alone.  I am always with you, in your head and in your heart.

Ch 71: I Rise, But In This Darkness Lies Nothin

I love you, more than anything.

I don't want to lose you, and you are never losing me.

He's mine

Not in the way that

I might own him,

But in the way that

To protect him

I would burn the fucking world.

-NS-

Ch 70: I Sing, But The Storm Never Comes

You, more than anyone, are so deserving of understanding, support, grace, compassion, kindness, and most of all love.  Especially love.  And I promise you, that is what you will get.  So hold on for me mi̱ko.  I love you, always and forever. 💙💙💙

Ch 69: I Speak, And The Wind Steals My Words Away

come 
I give hugs

🫂🫂🫂
I give love too 

💙💙💙

We chose each other, mother and son.  My love isn't any less because of that.  I'd argue it's more.  I'm still here, I still want this, I'm not going anywhere. You are my son! You are worthy of this. You are my son.... and I love you.

 

Ch 68: I Wait, But The Day Is Now Done

Tears are not a weakness

if i could,
i'd brush the tears off your face
and use my love to soak up the pain.
just so you're never alone
with your feelings again.

For my son

 I don't know wtf is happening so I'm just going to post everything everywhere: fotki, flickr...  might make an actual blog.  Pinterest?  Daily on ao3 and here, and weekly or twice weekly everywhere else.  I'll probably only do the text entries and not the sketches, for now.  And here's the Dropbox link again.  I want you to be able to listen to that clip at least once.

I love you kiddo, I'm not losing you, you're not losing me, I'm not going to leave you to suffer through this alone.  I'm your mother, but I'm not her, never will be, so never be afraid to talk to me.  Please stay safe, hold on, remember you are not a failure, you are not a disappointment, you're enough just as you are, you're brilliant and kind and protective and loving and you have such a good heart....  I see it all, even if you don't.  I love you always, and I'm proud of you, and I will see you. *♾️ 💙💙💙 and 🫂🫂🫂*

Ch 67: I Feel, And The Moon Falls Beneath Me

I'm with you dear heart, I'm always here with you

Feel me holding you tight.
Feel all the love I'm sending you
I've got you
Always

Ch 66: I See, And You Burn Like The Sun

I love you, more than there are stars in every universe.  That will never end.

Ch 65: I Hear, And The Vast Stars Are Singing

I will love you forever, and be here for you always, no matter what. Nothing could ever make me love you less. 

 

One day at a time, 

one step at a time.
I am so so proud of you.
*hugggsssss*

Ch 64: I Will Love You Always And Forever

I will love you, my brilliant son...  always

Ch 63: You Deserve So Much Love

 

I finished The Devil Walks and quite loved it. It's beautifully written. Noticed a bit of parallel... that even though horrible things happened, in the end Daniel survived, and escaped the horrors of his family to a better future with a warm, loving, and caring family that took him in and treated him like he was their own son. Love you J
*♾️ 💙💙💙💙💙 and 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂*

This might be useful for you

Ch 62: I Would Pull All The Stars From The Heavens

I need to give you a million hugs.

hey kiddo, did you send me an anon ask on tumblr? I got one... and it has me quite worried.

TIL that some parts of the Oregon coast are bioluminescent.  I say we add to the bucket list and find ourselves some glowy blue waters.

Ch 61: Find My Heart In The Dark

I love you, endlessly and for always.

I left you something in dbox, in important things. Is audio.

Ch 60:

Jakob

 I love you

always

Please msg me and let me know you are ok.

 

 I love you more than there are stars in the universe

I love you more than life

I promise that will never change 

This is worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for.  You deserve love and support and all the damn hugs.  You deserve all the happiness and beautiful things and me.

And I will see you here, and I will give it all to you

please

Ch 59:

J, love... please let me know you are ok. Please be ok... please
I love you... I can't lose you

 

I got this today in the mail, finally.... because it's your favorite....  and you said if I wanted to understand better I should read it.  So I tracked down a copy...   I love you...  so fucking much.  You are my whole world.  You have all of me.  Please don't let go.  Hold on for me.

Ch 58: Now You Have All Of Me

I will cherish you, and every single moment we have, with all my heart, always.

Ch 57: The Light Of Dawn Lives On In Your Eyes

I love you more than anything, and I'm never letting go, I promise.  Hold on to that, to me, to hope.

Please stay safe dear heart.

 

Ch 56: And It's All For You

*drowns you in ♾️ love and hugs*

🫂💙💙💙🩵🫂💙🩵🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🩵💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙🩵💙🩵💙🩵🩵🩵💙💙💙🫂🩵🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🩵🩵🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🩵🩵🩵💙💙🩵🫂🫂💙💙💙🩵🫂🫂🫂💙🩵🫂🩵🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🩵🩵💙🩵🫂🫂

I will always give you all the love and support you need.  I want you to feel safe, to be able to find and be yourself, to be able to have that trust. You'll only ever get acceptance and love from me. I want to give you calm and peace, a space to work through things without judgement and without fear.  I want to give you so many things, because you deserve them, you really do.  Love you more than there are stars in the universe, mi̱ko 💙

Ch 55: All The Love I Could Ever Give

I'm fucking proud of you... always have been.

I don't just want to be there when you graduate college (honestly, I'd love to be there when you graduate HS).  I've gotten selfish.  I want to send you to college myself, help you succeed. I want to do everything I possibly can for you, not just because it's what a good parent should do, but because you deserve that, and because I love you.  You have made a home in my heart and you are more than welcome there because you make everything so much better.  You have the whole of me. I love you Dear Heart, and you will NEVER lose that, and you will never lose me. 💙🫂💙

Ch 54: I Feel You Through A Memory

I love you.... just, I love you...
Always.
That will never end. 

 

Ch 53: And In The Darkness A Spark Of Light

You seriously deserve so much love Dear Heart, sooo so so much love.

Had a dream that I picked you up and we stopped at my old friend's house for the night... and we were sitting on the floor and you were animatedly talking about something or another, but then stopped and scooted over next to me and just leaned on me with your head on my shoulder and I just gave you a one armed hug and kissed the top of your head told you Love you kiddo, and you said love you too momma.... and gods.... I don't normally dream, and if I do they are faint and wispy and I very very rarely remember them.... but this was clear and vivid and bright and I remember every single detail with perfect clarity. We'll make it a reality. Promise. Love you mi̱ko, always and forever.

Ch 52: You Are Always Here With Me

You're never losing me.  I promise.

I remember threatening you with RotT, though it was mostly half hearted jest then.  It didn't take knowing you very long to turn that on its head though, making that a promise to drag you to Evergreen aerospace museum instead.  We both flipped each other's lives, and I have never been so glad of anything ever.  You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.  Always will be.  I love you so very much, and I promise to be the best I can for you.  You will always be my son, and I will always love you more than life.

Ch 51: I Would Spend My Every Waking Moment With You

I love you past the moon and miss you beyond the stars.

I just want to hug you, tell you I love you kiddo, and listen to you ramble on about whatever.... school, a fic you liked, the latest crush, a new song, how you're feeling.  That's always been one of my favorite things.  I want to make space for you to grow in, to heal in, to feel safe in.  I want you to know without any doubts, that you are loved, unconditionally and for always, that I will always be in your corner, fighting for and supporting you, and that I'm so very proud of you.  I want to be the best person and mom I can be, just for you. Love you mi̱ko, always.

Ch 50: I Love You, That Never Ends

Maybe we spend half the time just doing nothing except not letting go instead of out adventuring... and that would be wonderful too.

Finally rewatching Ghosts BBC so the husband can enjoy.  Plus it will always remind me of you 😌 I love you kiddo, always have, always will. 💙🫂💙

Momma

Ch 49: There's A Light And It's All For You

The universe could end and I would still hold you with everything in my heart.

I'll never leave you, never abandon you, never give up on you.  I'm with you dear heart, I'm always here with you, sending you all the love I have.

Ch 48: I See The Stars And They're Falling

There is nothing you could do that would ever make me love you less.

*holds you close, kisses your forehead gently*
I love you so very much. I'm here if you need me, always. I'm never letting you go.
🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙💙

Ch 47: Suddenly The World Seems So Small

I choose you.
And I'll choose you, over & over & over.. without pause without doubt, in a heartbeat..

I'll

keep
Choosing
You

If someone gave me a choice, to have anything I wanted... love, money, to be pain free... every single time, I would give up everything and choose you... I would choose you and this rare and beautiful gift you have given me, of being your momma; choose to fight for you, and help you gain the love and peace and happiness you deserve to have. I would choose you, and hold you close and tell you I love and cherish you and you mean the absolute world to me. The reality though, is I'm not giving anything up, only gaining a brilliant son and everything you bring with you. I love you more than the universe could ever hope to contain, J.... and that will never change. 

Ps: happy accidentally set your neighbor's yard on fire day! Please enjoy the absolute insanity that is the 4th, maybe take your hearing aides out, unless you enjoy constant explosions.

Ch 46: Come Along, I Can Dry Your Tears, I Can Make You Warm

I'm fucking proud of you... always have been.

It's ok to not be ok, to not be able to carry something alone, it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to be emotional, and for those emotions to be big.  It's ok to need a hug, or to be held, it's ok to need to be alone, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry.  None of these make you broken or lesser or messed up or wrong.  They make you human, and they are valid.  Please never feel you "have to be ok" with me, that you have to hide what you are feeling/going through.  I will be here for you always, in whatever way you need.  On the flip side, it's also ok to be happy and joyful and excited and proud without having to make yourself small and subdued.  I love you just as you are, ALL of you.

Ch 45: I've Been Here The Whole Time, Singing You A Song

You're not just in my heart anymore, you're part of my soul.

Carry You by Ruelle
(Spotify link)

There's a comic on tumblr that has aspects of the show, book, comics, and this person's OC. The latest page (which I saved a partial screenshot of here) was about Blinky and his bond with Jim, about how Blinky embodies the person who steps into the role of parent, who takes in a kid and loves them as their own. And that it's a testament because that kind of bond is strong enough to persist, no matter what... And I kind of teared up because I remember you telling me I was a mix of Blinky and Barbara 🥺, so just that last part, it reminded me so much of that. And gods, I love you kiddo, I love you so damn much. That will never change, and never end. You will always be my son, and I will always love and cherish you. 💙

Ch 44: A Story Like No Other, The End You Can't Erase

If I got a star
For every time you crossed my mind,
I'd have enough to fill my own universe
And I'd take you there with me.
- Outlet.Owl - 

 I wish I knew everything you're going through and feeling so I could find the right words to say to help you feel seen, safe, and supported. I would hold you and keep you safe forever, give you my strength whenever you need it. I will always be here for you, I will always give you all of me, and I love you, very much. That will never end.
We will get to the end of this though, and I will give you the biggest hug possible, and so much love you won't know what to do with yourself.

PS: Scrolling through DMs from the beginning, came across the very long list of movies you haven't seen. Definitely planning movie night (no popcorn, I promise).