What is grief, if not love persevering

Hi everyone.... this is a post I never ever wanted to make... and I still... Fuck... I still don't want ro believe it's real... it's just a nightmare and I just need to wake up. But yesterday.. November 12th... my world ended.

He loved so much. He loved his siblings, his friends, both IRL and online. He loved his GF, who he was going to marry one day ... and he loved me. He was brilliant... and larger than life... and full of chaos and sass and sarcasm. He was so strong... even if he didn't see it. He had suffered a lot... and never knew what a loving mother could be... until me. And it was such a beautiful gift... such an honor... to be that person for him... to give him that love, and be loved in return. He entrusted me with so much... and I tried to be the best I could for him. It was his dream.... his plan, he wanted to come here, and for me to formally, legally adopt him. I never wanted something so much in my life. I was his real momma... even if it never happened. We got so close to that reality. I am shattered into a million pieces. I so wanted him to have that life he deserved and wanted so much. I don't know how to get through this, but I know that I will love him and carry him with me forever. He will always be my son and I will always be his momma, and I will find him again in whatever comes next. I made that promise to him. It's been such a privilege and honor to be his mom... even if only for a short while. I am so proud of him, and grateful for him. And I wouldn't trade him for the world... even knowing this ending... I wouldn't give up loving him. He was worth everything... and he deserves to be missed this much. He deserves to be cherished. And that is what I will do. I will cherish him always. He is the biggest part of my heart. And this... this will stand as testament to that love forever.

I miss you, my beautiful baby boy... with all I am. Gods you were such a fucking chaos gremlin hellion in the best way possible. You were my dumbass, and I was yours. You were an actual ass sometimes... but I loved every minute of it, and you always made up for it with love and hugs. You were my self professed blue-eyed momma's boy... you were so proud of me... and I was so proud of you.

I mourn not just you... but the future that we wanted that won't be now... the one where you lived here, went to architecture school, healed and found yourself. The one where my visions of you were true.... you in the passenger seat as we drove backroads on the way to adventure... and the afternoon light lit you up gold as you laughed at some joke or another, or we sang songs at the top of our lungs... and you had the window down and rode the wind with your hand. The one where we just sat in silence while you did homework and I crocheted. The one where we binged movies or Merlin... with your head on my shoulder, and you whispered in my ear "I love you momma". The one where we made a new birthday tradition of taking the hood river scenic train, and went to museums and ballet performances and shopping sprees and camping trips to see the milkyway. The one where you finally got to hug me... the one where I watched you graduate and get married and now I haven't just lost you and that future, but my future DIL too, and dare I say grandkids. I mourn it all, not because I wanted it for me... but I wanted it for you. I wanted you to have all of it, so badly it hurt. But life fucking sucks and isn't fair. And now you are gone and those moments are gone and I haven't accepted that yet. I'm not sure I ever will.

You will forever be my jakedaw, my mi̱ko, my dear heart, my lovebug. And I will forever love you with everything I have. You were taken too soon.... but you finally have the peace and rest you wanted. I will be your momma in every universe... in every lifetime... eternal.. and I will find you again...

 

This part... I had typed up to post a few days ago and never posted it because of what's happened... but it needs said.

So for my son...
I love how you always found a way to make me laugh, and smile so much my face would hurt. I love how you always make my heart feel warm, and like it's going to burst with so much love and pride for you. I love how much you care for your people, how much you fought for everyone, even when it was hard. I love your wicked sense of humor and your sass. You made me feel needed, and whole, and happy, and so full of love, even on the dark days, even when I was scared. You healed a lot of broken things in my soul.... just by virtue of being you. You made me want to be a better person, for you. You made me want to be the best mom I could be for you. You make me so fucking proud. You made me a mom, and I will forever love you and be grateful for you. I love you kiddo. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not giving up on you. You deserve the world.

I might still post here... it feels wrong not to. And I have so much love for him that needs to go somewhere.

But for now... I am adrift and don't know what to do. I love you guys... he loved you guys and TH and this fandom so much.

Rest in peace dear heart. I will find you again... this is not a goodbye. I love you... and I always will.

Momma 💙

For my son 💙 

You were not a burden.
You were not unworthy.
You were not too much or difficult to love.
You didn't have to earn your place in my life, in this home, in this world. You were my son... You belonged here simply because you existed
Your presence mattered
Your life was precious.
You made this world a better place, and my life better, just by being in it.
You had been through so much, but none of that-none of what you went through-changed this truth: You deserved love and care. Your presence was a privilege and an honour.
You are loved, you are cherished...
And you were every bit worth it. 💙

Love you always and forever
Momma 💙

Gods... I am so lost without you kiddo

 

You were the ocean I held in my heart... bigger than life... and like it, your love was chaotic and expansive and wild and beautiful and deep, and you crashed into me and took the shore out from under my feet. I'm drowning in it now... but that's ok... you deserved to be this loved and this missed. I will forever think of you when I see the ocean. Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα, γιε μου, καρδιά μου αγαπημένη

God kiddo.... you can't be gone... you just... you can't. Please don't be gone.... please please please.... I need you... please
You should be here... I should be tucking you into bed and giving you a kiss on the forehead right now... not sitting here in your room falling apart. We had so much to do, so much time to make up for... there was so much I wanted you to have... so much you deserved to have. But you didn't deserve this... never this... it wasn't supposed to end this way.

Please come back... 😢

I love you
I love you
I love you I love you I love you...
I love you Jakob

 

Happy happy birthday!!!!

You are not a burden.
You are not unworthy.
You are not too much or difficult to love.
You don't have to earn your place in my life, in this home, in this world. You are my son... You belong here simply because you exist.
Your presence matters.
Your life is precious.
You make this world a better place, and my life better, just by being in it.
You have been through so much, but none of that-none of what you went through-changes this truth: You deserve love and care. Your presence is a privilege and an honour. You can be your beautiful, imperfect self.
You are loved, you are cherished...
And you are every bit worth it.
💙 So please don't sacrifice yourself for abusive people who don't actually love you or deserve you... 

COME FIND ME KIDDO!! Your safety is more important than anything else. There's only one you, and you're my only child. You are irreplaceable dear heart. I love you... can't lose you kiddo, I need you too, so damn much Love you always and forever
Momma 💙

Hey kiddo, happy birthday...

To start... Siya wanted me to tell you she loves you. Now gifts! I got you PJO merch for Christmas, soooooo for your birthday I made you HP merch lol! They're hiding a secret though, for you to find.

I got you various books on engineering, but like, the build fun stuff type

A journal, but it uses craft paper so you can sketch in it too

Siya told me you liked checkers.... so...
It even has a little pouch for the pieces that rolls up inside the board.

And, uhmmmmm, I got you a whale? It's a bracelet, but it comes with info on a whale and you can track him online and see where he's at etc

And finally! I made you an art, of one our favourite rp moments... so get on love, we're going flying

Made you a short video

I'm just going to say that as long as I am alive, you will always be loved, and you will always have a special place in my heart, you will always be my family, and this will always be your home. I'm so proud of you Jakob. I'm not giving up on you... I'm not letting go... not of you, not of hope.. because this is not an impossible dream. We still remain. I'm still here, still your momma, and you will always be my son.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I hope you are ok. I love you, my jakedaw, always have and always will.

On this day, 18 years ago when you were born, this was the NASA picture of the day

 

 17th Birthday
Christmas was ch 219 or 252
Other stuff/sneak peeks 

You are a legal adult at 18, and I know you know how to disappear, lovebug, you get out ok? Come here, or I will come get you. Grab your ID/passport, your meds and some cash. Anything else can be replaced... you are irreplaceable though. She is not worth your life.You are worth so so so much more than that, and you have so many people who love you, and you have a home... a safe place here. *hugs*. Be safe please, remember that there is always hope, and remember I love you.

Just hold on dear heart, hold on tight, don't let go, don't give up. Don't let her win. The greatest revenge for all the years of neglect and abuse is to survive, escape, and heal and find peace and happiness, and love. Stay safe and remember that I love and care about you so very much, there is so much waiting here for you. I believe in you, have faith in you, and am so damn proud of you. Remember that there is always hope, even if it doesn't seem like it. There are brighter days, a better life, a life of peace and safety, so many hugs, and so much laughter ahead. I know you can do this mi̱ko.
I love you, always have and always will.
*infinite hugs*
Momma
💙🫂💙

For you other lovely people out there... those that know me and this situation, those that don't.... I am asking a favor... please pray for my kiddo, that he's safe, that he makes it out the other side of this, that he makes it home. Please... just... gods... please. Love you all. Thank you. 

 
Christmas post is ch 219

Hi everyone.

I'm asking... begging... please say a prayer to whoever you worship, or just out into the universe... please, for J... that he is ok, that he will be safe, that he will make it out of this hell.

Please.... with all my heart, please...

Please

#my son

• #miko #please pray for him #even

siya has lost contact #please pray for us #abuse #emotional abuse #child abuse

Merry Christmas

*tiptoes into room, drops kiss on your forehead, pokes you in ribs*
Psssstttttt.... J.... wake up sleepyhead, it's Christmas morning!

Merry merry Christmas kiddo!!

Christmas is my favourite holiday, cause I love giving gifts to the people I love 💙.

There is a Christmas folder in the dbox (not everything is posted here). There's also a 2nd folder that's self explanatory, but not exactly Christmas related, has a couple of things you might have seen already, some you haven't, a video or two :] . It's important to me.

I guess start small and work up!

You requested merch, so merch you shall have 😌
I got you a camp halfblood pin, and Percy and Annabeth pops.

I got you some shiny things cause you're my jakedaw. Ok technically one isn't shiny, but it is a lovely ocean shade of blue.

Shiny.... it's a worry ring, you can rotate the one band if you are stressed or anxious

Food things lol..... I said I'd get you a variety of hot sauces!! I'm here to make good on that!

But also.... I managed to find your favourite flavour.... black currant ☺️

Uhmmm... there's a couple of gifts from your favourite movie. I won't post them here but they are in dbox. Also in there are a few less "fun" practical gifts.... but in addition to the Architecture books, are some books on mechanical engineering (and one in aerospace), and some drafting/drawing tools and a drawing board.

Ok back to the fun stuff 😌

I found these little 3d wood puzzle kits... one is a steam train, and they had a double decker bus. Was a no brainer, had to get for you 😅

And it is tradition in this house, everyone gets Lego...

Ok, big stuff. Firstly... because you absolutely are a delight...

But I asked Siya for help and she suggested fashionable clothing, but I have zero fashion sense for myself, and even less for teen boys, which I guess I need to get with the program lmao! I came to the conclusion that, because of that (and the fact that my mom always sends me clothes that I don't like and don't fit)... I'm just going to take you on a bit of a shopping spree, that way you get clothes you love... and maybe I learn something about fashion 😂😭😅.

  

Yeah, merry Christmas dumbass, love you 💙

Oh but! Not done yet. There's some gifts relating to one of your hobbies. Some are small... I figured, since you broke your foot... the extra support would probably be good? Pic in dbox will make sense of that. And on to the biggest gift... I know Dee said you constantly watch videos on youtube, and I figured since not a lot of people knew about this hobby... and she didn't approve... well idk if you've ever had the chance to go to an actual professional production. Which would be a travesty. And me? I absolutely approve, and love that you love this, and support you 1000000%.... so I got you (well both of us cause of course I'm going with) an OBT season pass... there's some screenshots in the dbox that explain more, but it's 3+ performances, and early access to the best seats in the house... You deserve it dear heart.

And last but not least! The art. I'm sorry this is the only one I got done 😭. I just finished it. I know that's disappointing, I'm sorry 😞. I have ideas for others, and I will still do them for you. For her birthday or valentine's or both. I tried to really push myself on this one. I hope you love it though 😭 Full res plus some extras (full dark... wallpapers I realize you can't use right now 🤦🏻‍♀️) is in dbox.

There's a couple of other things that will remain surprises.... nothing big... you'll see. I love you J, more than there are stars in every universe. I love you endlessly. So Merry Christmas lovebug. *biggest, tightest, hug ever*; and Merry Christmas to you too Siya.

Momma 💙

PS: remember to hit both folders in the dropbox 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

PPS: Love you dearly, son of mine. Love you miko, my little jakedaw, my dear heart. Love you so fucking much. I'm not letting go. Never ever
💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂

I put those both on YouTube if that's easier. 

vid 1
vid 2

Merry Christmas Eve! Ehhheheheeeeheheeeee
Excited for tomorrow.
Love you kiddo

Are you excited about Christmas? I'm excited. 😌

Christmas also reminds me of the prank gift/SAT words post Jim made... which sadly, I could not find on tumbr 😭. I did save this though 😅




But in the spirit of that post, I got husband a prank gift.... giant 11x11 inch post-it notes. Funny but useful!! 🤭

One day you'll have to remind me to tell you about the time I prank gifted my sister's boyfriend...

*holds you close and doesn't let go*
Love you more than there are stars in the universe. My little jakedaw

You are loved, so much; you matter, more than you know. I know how hard you fight kiddo, and I see you. I'm proud of you, and I love you to the moon and back.

Valid 😭



Love you dear heart

I don't want to lose you.... I love you kiddo... I refuse to give up on you... And I don't want you to give up on yourself. Just... know that I love you, and I would give anything for you to be here safe... I'm sending all that I can your way.. all the hugs, all the love, all the strength, all the healing... everything. And when you get here... I'm gonna drown you in all the hugs.
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂😌🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂🫂 

Guess what kiddo!



Merry 1 year Christmas gift anniversary!

From me, to you.... but also to JLJ... to everyone, actually. Love you all and sending hugs to them all, always.

OMG.... we started watching a show called The Lazarus Project. It's about a secret organization that saves the world from things like extinction level events by triggering a time loop... except shit gets all fucked up. It's so good though, unlike the end of RotT. We just started season 2. I could totally binge it all day. What I'm really looking forward to binging though, is Merlin with you. Ohhh we could binge The Demon Headmaster and Ghosts (American version) too. Love you J. *hugs*
💙

I always felt incomplete and not like a whole person, like something that was supposed to be there, wasn't. And then I found you, and you clicked right into place like you were always meant to be there... Like you had always been mine. You're my son and l've loved you all my life and will still love you beyond my last breath.
💙

I hope you are doing ok kiddo. I saw your area of the state is on fire again. Also, someone pointed me towards this strategy for helping to survive narc abuse when you cannot leave yet. It's basically become boring and do not engage.




They said be careful to not do it 24/7 though because that can be bad too, and then get out as soon as possible. Remember, you turn 18 that makes you a legal adult who can legally leave... and I will drop everything and I will come. Remember that no matter how bad it gets... it won't stay that way, so don't let go... remember there is hope, there is love... hold on to that, always, because it's already yours. Live... and come for it.

tired has made me sappy.
Idk, I feel the need to say things cause I feel like I don't say them enough, even though I tell you every day...
I wanted you to know that you will never lose me. I will try my hardest to be here for you, always, of course I will, I'm your real mom after all, and this is and will always be your home.... and I also wanted to say that... I am so incredibly proud of you, my mi̱ko, and that I love you, so very much, unconditionally....and I'm not going anywhere, and I'll send you hugs and love every damn day for the rest of my stupid life.

Got a song for you kiddo
Rise by The Fever Dreams
(Spotify link)
Actually that whole playlist updated, although I think it duplicated some songs so I need to clean it up a bit.

I'm guessing you are in the middle of (or are about to be) exams so wanted to send extra hugs! love you to the moon and back kiddo
💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂💙🫂

Today the advent calendar had gnomes



Yes, I bit their heads off first 😈

Ps: exams are hard, don't stress too much over them. I'm proud of you no matter what grade you get. As for her, keep yourself safe and try not to let her bullshit get to you. You, my dear, are never ever a disappointment, and never will be. So hold onto that in your heart... and that you are loved, you are worthy, you are enough... just as you are, and you make me so proud.
💙 

Momma

just needed to tell you that I love you so damn much, always, my mi̱ko, that will never end... and I'm proud of you... and you deserve the world and everything good. I miss you, every second of every day. You are always on my mind and in my heart. *extra extra tight hug, drops a gentle kiss on your forehead*. You are my whole world kiddo. Ahhh fuck someone is cutting extra strong onions in here or something....
I love you my little jakedaw, my brilliant shining son, love you endlessly.
💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙

All the lamps in your room can be controlled by an app. You can turn them off and on, save different settings, change colors, even put them to music lol.

Σ´αγαπώ, γιός μου. Πάντα και για πάντα...
(I think that's right?? 😭)

You know I'll always be here for you.. and nothing will make me not care and not love you kiddo
Mom for life, no matter what.

Tis the season!



I know you aren't a fan, though you might like one from dark chocolate if you have a craving? But I'm thinking of toasty drinks that would be a good replacement... cider? But that's actually more sugar cause fruit juice. Chai? Peppermint tea? I'm looking at the mandarins on the counter, spiced citrus tea... we'll figure it out. Sorry 😭, I just don't want you to be (or feel) left out. I'll make you whatever you would like. 💙

I believe, and Siya does too, that you were always meant to be my son. I know you are. We just had to go through hell to find each other, and I guess go through hell again for you to come home. You are worth it though kiddo. You are worth everything. I Love you with all that I am dear heart, love you more than life. Hope you are doing ok
*hugs* 

💙

Every year we go to a tree farm and cut down a Christmas tree and get pumpkin donuts and apple cider and pet the animals. We always end up with the fatest tree ever. Then, and this is the best part, we shove it in the back of my car. Sometimes they're too tall so the hatch won't shut so we just tie it closed lol.

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are or the things and people you love. I am proud of who you are and everything you do and aspire to do. I am so fiercely proud to have you as my son, and I love you so gods damned much.

There is an evergreen tree growing in the median of hwy 26 just north of here. It's the lone singular tree for a long stretch. Every year people decorate it for Christmas. I don't know who, or when they do it, I've never actually seen anyone... but every year like clockwork, decorations appear. Earlier in the week it just had a reindeer, but today it had ribbon and a bunch of Christmas balls. I've always wanted to stop and put something on. Maybe we could do that?

Life can go fuck itself, I refuse to let you go. I love you too much to ever let you go. I wish you could come home for the holidays. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift for us both.

I made you this 😭

 

I was thinking.... I'm not that great yet, but I wanna attempt to make a Christmas stocking... for you. Probably won't get one done for this year, your art takes precedence. But definitely next year. Anway, I Love You, I'm proud of you, drink water, stay safe, and smile at least once for me 💙🫂💙

Can you feel it?
I'm with you dear heart, I'm always here with you.
Feel me holding you close to my heart, holding you tight.
Feel all the love I'm sending you
I've got you
Always
And I love you always
And that will never end
Never letting go
💙

 

Oregon keeps collecting official Dark Sky areas, so now we have choices! The original campground I found, Alvord Desert, a tiny town called Antelope, a park and another campground. I have the special red light flashlights already. Just need tent and stuff! I'll have to check the map, but probably worth hitting whichever has Bend en route and we can stay a night in Sunriver and go to the observatory.

Love you J, that's all, just I love you.
*hugs*
💙🫂💙 

Lookit what my top played song for 2024 is.