I promise you, swear to you, I will never stop loving you. You aren't going to lose me.
I'm never letting go of you. I've got you, you're my son. I'll always have you, you will always have me. l love you so damn much. Just have to hold on for me. There's always hope, even if it's hard to see, and we'll get through this, together. I'll be here every step of the way.

 

 

Was at the store and they had Haribo bears at the checkout...  and I know it's kind of dumb because you can get them literally everywhere, but I bought a bag....  for you....  they just, reminded me of you, so they will be here waiting. I miss you and I love you mi̱ko.  💙🫂💙

Momma

I will love you always, beyond the end of time... nothing will change that ever. Yeah, I'm your dumbass, and I love you so, so very much. 💙

Happy Thanksgiving lovebug. I don't usually do these because I never felt like I had reason to, but this year I do, because I am so lucky and grateful to have you in my life, even if it's not the way we wanted it to be right now. We will get there. I am so blessed to have you, and I am beyond proud and thankful to have you as my son. I love you, my little jakedaw, I always and forever will. 

💙🫂💙

Momma

John went home to NY for the holiday so it's just me and the pumpkin pie he left with me here. 😭. It's fine, I'm just here working on Christmas stuff. Miss you kiddo. 💙 Left this for you, it's also in dbox

*sings quietly to you*
I hope you are doing ok kiddo 💙
Love you, love you endlessly
Is it better if I put these videos on youtube instead of in Dbox?
I love you mi̱ko

I owe you so much.  So much love, so many hugs, so many moments.  I've been pouring all my love into this bedroom and this art, into everything I do, because I do it all for you.

I'm going to get you here, and I'm adopting your ass and you're gonna be so loved and supported you won't know what to do with yourself. It's why I started posting here. I knew you never wanted to say goodbye, and I wanted you to still have all that love to see you through. I've taken to making random videos for you to see when you can.  I wish I could do more though.  I wish I could be there.  I was supposed to protect you...

But I will make it all up to you.  I promise.

Love you to the moon and back.  💙🫂💙

There is nothing you could do that would ever make me love you less. I will always cherish you, I will always love you, I will always be so proud of you, and I will always be here for you... no matter what.

Ps: found the perfect Christmas gift for youuuuuuuu 💙

I wish you could read the notes and watch the video I left, but just know I love you and I miss you kiddo, more than anything in this life.

I love you more than life and as far as I'm concerned you're my own damn blood son. I know deep in my heart and soul you were always my son. You are all that matters to me.

💙🫂💙

 

You Should See You In A Crown

Drowns you in love and hugs
💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂 

love you always and forever son of mine. 

I still randomly scroll through things

Couldn't sleep, made a video, it's in dbox

Come here kiddo, *extra extra times three tight hug*.  And I love you... with all my heart mi̱ko, and I love you with all my soul, my little jakedaw... and I love you with all l am and all I will ever be Jakob.  I just want you to make it here, to me... so l can give you the tightest hug I possibly can, and all the love that I can possibly give you, and all the good things you deserve.

Ps: left you a video and stuff in dbox...

And There Is A Silence So Soft It's Only Memory

You're my hero and my rock too ya'know?  You are the one thing I love and value most in my life.  

I made this dumb little owl for you. You'll have to give it a name.

 

I guess we're getting hit by a stupid bomb cyclone and it's going to dump record amounts of rain. So here's the maple with all it's fall colours, because it probably won't have any leaves by the end of the week.

 

PS: working on Christmas art... you're a total BAMF king mi̱ko. Love you.

I will alway love you, I will always cherish you, I will always be here for you, and I will always be so fucking proud of you.  I hope you see this....  and know just how much you mean to me, how much I care about you and love you... more than there are stars in every fucking universe.

I don't know how often you read these anymore, but I left some stuff on dbox, and I told Siya about it too.  I love you...  I'm terrified of losing you. Hold on to me kiddo.. just..  fuck... sorry

I love you

You matter... so much

Do you know....  weʼre coming up on a one year anniversary... where I told Jim to stop asking Toby for dating advice.  Gods... I miss you kiddo, and I love you, with all that I am.  You're too important to lose, lovebug.  You're my whole world. I Love you so much it powers the brightest stars in the universe. 💙🫂💙

I wish telepathy was real. *we could do the mind talk thing.... love you mi̱ko*
Or magic... or a time stone. I'd go back and stop this from happening. Can I just... use the damn time stone now? 😢
None of us deserved this... especially you.
God I miss you. I love you, my little jakedaw, always. 

 

Throwback Thursday!

In 2003, a group of online friends got together and went to Prescott Arizona (for Siya, it was a car group!). The Texas peopled joined up with us New Mexico people for the trip. We stopped at the Jackrabbit Trading Post in Joseph City Arizona on old route 66... because it has a 10 ft tall jackrabbit statue.... so naturally we had to take a group photo... and naturally I loudly declared it was mine, ran ahead, and climbed on top of the thing. We were a fun and wacky group. I'll have to take you on the whole 4 corners tour one day... Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and Utah. Full of national and state parks, mountains, and wild desert beauty.

No star too distant,
no journey too long 

-my love for you, my son,
outshines and outlasts them all

Behold.... Stickscalibur!!!!!

Just Tell Me How To Keep Breathing

Don't mind me...

I'm just sitting here, on the bathroom floor...

Listening to the rain

 

I need you too, you know

What if, after years of trial,
a love should come
and lay a hand upon you and say,
this late,
your life is not a crime 

 -J Fasano- 

  

So back a few chapters (173) I said I'd learned things. Well I uploaded some stuff on dbox in important things. It's hope. 

Also, a very important question that you should think on for the future.... newts? Or fish? Or... both? You can tell me later, but whatever you choose, I'll absolutely make it happen. 💙 

Love you bunches and bunches 💙🫂💙

You deserve the world, you deserve all the love, and hugs, and happiness. And I would do everything in my power to give it to you. I miss you, and I worry about you, and I love you, and you are constantly on my mind. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me lovebug. 💙💙💙

Ok my kiddo who is trained in martial arts....  you'll have to teach me a couple of self defense moves.  I know you're capable of keeping us both safe... but what if there's like... a pack of ninjas?  And I need to help? In all seriousness though, it's probably good if you teach me something.  No judo flips though, sorry 😭😭😭

Decorated your room a bit today! OML I can't wait for you to see this 😌✨🌊💙
Love you mi̱ko. Sending you all the hugs
💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙

You were worried certain things would scare me off, but they just made me love you even more.
You are my son, for real. I've never faltered in that, and I never will.



I just want to hug you... 💙🫂💙
Love you kiddo.

Hey dear heart, how are you doing, are you doing ok? Lot of uncertainty going around... but my only concern right now is for you. You are my number one priority and always will be. No matter what. It will always be you.  I live and fight for you. I am here for you.  If you need a place of safety...  this will always be your home.  Do you understand? Always.

I am sending you all my love, infinite hugs, all of my strength, all of my faith. Things will be okay, we will be okay. I love you more than the strength of infinite suns in infinite universes, and soon I will give you all the hugs for real. You're my son, my family, and always will be, and I love you forever. That will never end. 💙 

Momma 

Did you know I used to be a model? Lol.... don't ask me what I'm doing, did I fall asleep???? Who knows. WTF am I wearing? Don't know that either, but at least I looked cute. Kind of...

IDEK what to say right now.  I feel about how Jim looks.  I'm glad you're on the West coast and not in DC.

Remember, if you need me for any reason at all, just say the word and I will be there.

At least I have one good thing in my life... you.  Love you kiddo 💙

Was downtown, talking with someone about an art thing and the subject of college came up, and I was telling them about you and how you wanted to be an architect...  and I'd looked at this at one point.... but according to them, the architecture program at PSU is exceptional.  It's easily accessible by transit...  and... you know, I uhmm... have a college fund set up for you... yeah...

*sigh* stuff I'd wanted to talk to you about but thought we had more time, and I figured that was probably a given anyway considering that I'm literally your momma/adopting you.  Also, gap semesters/years are a good thing... especially when we have so many museums to visit, whales to watch, stars to see, and shows to binge (meaning I'm not going to be all haahaahahaaa you must go straight back into the school grind, I want you to rest a bit, to heal... I've learned things.. but they can wait till another post).

I hope that I haven't said or done anything wrong or upsetting or angering.  I'm navigating without a compass here, with nothing to really guide me.  I know I fuck up sometimes...  and I own those, and am sorry.  And I'm not saying it feels like I have!  Just that, if I have, I'm sorry.

Sorry...  This is such a weird, disjointed post today, gods.  I'm in a weird and slightly terrified headspace with election day.  Too much stress.  I'm going to end up stress cleaning the bathroom tonight... or eating all the leftover halloween candy. 

Just....  the most important thing, is that I love you, more than anything in this world, more than life.  Always have, and forever will... and I am so fucking proud of you... never stopped being, not once.  *♾️ hugs*

💙

Momma

Just Call My Name, I'll Be Your Home

Uhmm...  it's been kind of an extra emotional day?  So just....   *wraps you in a extra tight, extra warm, mom hug* I love you, gods I love you so much, and I miss you... every second of every day... and I wish you were here, more than anything. 💙

I will never ever give up on you, because you are worth fighting for. Please don't give up on me. I will see you make it here. Remember that there is always hope, always a way through, even when it seems like there isn't, and you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I promise you though, you will make it here, and this will all be worth it in the end. I love you with all that I am and ever will be mi̱ko. Just hold on for me. 💙🫂💙

Here is a little Oregon factoid for you.... 😭

A dead sperm whale washed up on shore in Florence OR in 1970, and in an effort to get rid of the body, OHD/ODOT blew it up with dynamite, throwing bits of rotting whale 800 feet away and causing a massive stink (literally). It was even parodied in a Simpsons episode. There's a commemorative plaque at the beach, we can totally visit it if you want. I promise it smells better now. Actually might be worth visiting, there's the Sea Lion Caves, and Heceta Head lighthouse in Florence.  If we do the roadtrip from CA to here thing, it's technically on the way.

But I need, J, to tell you
That I love you
It never ends... 

Hey kiddo. I hope you are doing ok. Got a new french press for if you want coffee (if you prefer something else though, not a problem, I can use it for me too). I found a supplier for black currant ice lollies! What else.... oh, my IG is 50% dance now. I hope school and other things are going well. I love you and miss you lovebug. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere.  Sending you infinite hugs.
💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙
 

Coercive control is now included in the California penal code under domestic violence as any form of manipulation that is meant to control a person's actions. Including but not limited to threats of physical violence.

I love you.
That's all... just, I love you
💙 

Laughs in spice

Ps: put all the jimtober arts on dbox for you, just in case you were interested.