Merry Christmas

*tiptoes into room, drops kiss on your forehead, pokes you in ribs*
Psssstttttt.... J.... wake up sleepyhead, it's Christmas morning!

Merry merry Christmas kiddo!!

Christmas is my favourite holiday, cause I love giving gifts to the people I love 💙.

There is a Christmas folder in the dbox (not everything is posted here). There's also a 2nd folder that's self explanatory, but not exactly Christmas related, has a couple of things you might have seen already, some you haven't, a video or two :] . It's important to me.

I guess start small and work up!

You requested merch, so merch you shall have 😌
I got you a camp halfblood pin, and Percy and Annabeth pops.

I got you some shiny things cause you're my jakedaw. Ok technically one isn't shiny, but it is a lovely ocean shade of blue.

Shiny.... it's a worry ring, you can rotate the one band if you are stressed or anxious

Food things lol..... I said I'd get you a variety of hot sauces!! I'm here to make good on that!

But also.... I managed to find your favourite flavour.... black currant ☺️

Uhmmm... there's a couple of gifts from your favourite movie. I won't post them here but they are in dbox. Also in there are a few less "fun" practical gifts.... but in addition to the Architecture books, are some books on mechanical engineering (and one in aerospace), and some drafting/drawing tools and a drawing board.

Ok back to the fun stuff 😌

I found these little 3d wood puzzle kits... one is a steam train, and they had a double decker bus. Was a no brainer, had to get for you 😅

And it is tradition in this house, everyone gets Lego...

Ok, big stuff. Firstly... because you absolutely are a delight...

But I asked Siya for help and she suggested fashionable clothing, but I have zero fashion sense for myself, and even less for teen boys, which I guess I need to get with the program lmao! I came to the conclusion that, because of that (and the fact that my mom always sends me clothes that I don't like and don't fit)... I'm just going to take you on a bit of a shopping spree, that way you get clothes you love... and maybe I learn something about fashion 😂😭😅.

  

Yeah, merry Christmas dumbass, love you 💙

Oh but! Not done yet. There's some gifts relating to one of your hobbies. Some are small... I figured, since you broke your foot... the extra support would probably be good? Pic in dbox will make sense of that. And on to the biggest gift... I know Dee said you constantly watch videos on youtube, and I figured since not a lot of people knew about this hobby... and she didn't approve... well idk if you've ever had the chance to go to an actual professional production. Which would be a travesty. And me? I absolutely approve, and love that you love this, and support you 1000000%.... so I got you (well both of us cause of course I'm going with) an OBT season pass... there's some screenshots in the dbox that explain more, but it's 3+ performances, and early access to the best seats in the house... You deserve it dear heart.

And last but not least! The art. I'm sorry this is the only one I got done 😭. I just finished it. I know that's disappointing, I'm sorry 😞. I have ideas for others, and I will still do them for you. For her birthday or valentine's or both. I tried to really push myself on this one. I hope you love it though 😭 Full res plus some extras (full dark... wallpapers I realize you can't use right now 🤦🏻‍♀️) is in dbox.

There's a couple of other things that will remain surprises.... nothing big... you'll see. I love you J, more than there are stars in every universe. I love you endlessly. So Merry Christmas lovebug. *biggest, tightest, hug ever*; and Merry Christmas to you too Siya.

Momma 💙

PS: remember to hit both folders in the dropbox 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

PPS: Love you dearly, son of mine. Love you miko, my little jakedaw, my dear heart. Love you so fucking much. I'm not letting go. Never ever
💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂

I put those both on YouTube if that's easier. 

vid 1
vid 2

Merry Christmas Eve! Ehhheheheeeeheheeeee
Excited for tomorrow.
Love you kiddo

Are you excited about Christmas? I'm excited. 😌

Christmas also reminds me of the prank gift/SAT words post Jim made... which sadly, I could not find on tumbr 😭. I did save this though 😅




But in the spirit of that post, I got husband a prank gift.... giant 11x11 inch post-it notes. Funny but useful!! 🤭

One day you'll have to remind me to tell you about the time I prank gifted my sister's boyfriend...

*holds you close and doesn't let go*
Love you more than there are stars in the universe. My little jakedaw

You are loved, so much; you matter, more than you know. I know how hard you fight kiddo, and I see you. I'm proud of you, and I love you to the moon and back.

Valid 😭



Love you dear heart

I don't want to lose you.... I love you kiddo... I refuse to give up on you... And I don't want you to give up on yourself. Just... know that I love you, and I would give anything for you to be here safe... I'm sending all that I can your way.. all the hugs, all the love, all the strength, all the healing... everything. And when you get here... I'm gonna drown you in all the hugs.
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂😌🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂🫂 

Guess what kiddo!



Merry 1 year Christmas gift anniversary!

From me, to you.... but also to JLJ... to everyone, actually. Love you all and sending hugs to them all, always.

OMG.... we started watching a show called The Lazarus Project. It's about a secret organization that saves the world from things like extinction level events by triggering a time loop... except shit gets all fucked up. It's so good though, unlike the end of RotT. We just started season 2. I could totally binge it all day. What I'm really looking forward to binging though, is Merlin with you. Ohhh we could binge The Demon Headmaster and Ghosts (American version) too. Love you J. *hugs*
💙

I always felt incomplete and not like a whole person, like something that was supposed to be there, wasn't. And then I found you, and you clicked right into place like you were always meant to be there... Like you had always been mine. You're my son and l've loved you all my life and will still love you beyond my last breath.
💙

I hope you are doing ok kiddo. I saw your area of the state is on fire again. Also, someone pointed me towards this strategy for helping to survive narc abuse when you cannot leave yet. It's basically become boring and do not engage.




They said be careful to not do it 24/7 though because that can be bad too, and then get out as soon as possible. Remember, you turn 18 that makes you a legal adult who can legally leave... and I will drop everything and I will come. Remember that no matter how bad it gets... it won't stay that way, so don't let go... remember there is hope, there is love... hold on to that, always, because it's already yours. Live... and come for it.

tired has made me sappy.
Idk, I feel the need to say things cause I feel like I don't say them enough, even though I tell you every day...
I wanted you to know that you will never lose me. I will try my hardest to be here for you, always, of course I will, I'm your real mom after all, and this is and will always be your home.... and I also wanted to say that... I am so incredibly proud of you, my mi̱ko, and that I love you, so very much, unconditionally....and I'm not going anywhere, and I'll send you hugs and love every damn day for the rest of my stupid life.

Got a song for you kiddo
Rise by The Fever Dreams
(Spotify link)
Actually that whole playlist updated, although I think it duplicated some songs so I need to clean it up a bit.

I'm guessing you are in the middle of (or are about to be) exams so wanted to send extra hugs! love you to the moon and back kiddo
💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙💙💙🫂💙🫂

Today the advent calendar had gnomes



Yes, I bit their heads off first 😈

Ps: exams are hard, don't stress too much over them. I'm proud of you no matter what grade you get. As for her, keep yourself safe and try not to let her bullshit get to you. You, my dear, are never ever a disappointment, and never will be. So hold onto that in your heart... and that you are loved, you are worthy, you are enough... just as you are, and you make me so proud.
💙 

Momma

just needed to tell you that I love you so damn much, always, my mi̱ko, that will never end... and I'm proud of you... and you deserve the world and everything good. I miss you, every second of every day. You are always on my mind and in my heart. *extra extra tight hug, drops a gentle kiss on your forehead*. You are my whole world kiddo. Ahhh fuck someone is cutting extra strong onions in here or something....
I love you my little jakedaw, my brilliant shining son, love you endlessly.
💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙

All the lamps in your room can be controlled by an app. You can turn them off and on, save different settings, change colors, even put them to music lol.

Σ´αγαπώ, γιός μου. Πάντα και για πάντα...
(I think that's right?? 😭)

You know I'll always be here for you.. and nothing will make me not care and not love you kiddo
Mom for life, no matter what.

Tis the season!



I know you aren't a fan, though you might like one from dark chocolate if you have a craving? But I'm thinking of toasty drinks that would be a good replacement... cider? But that's actually more sugar cause fruit juice. Chai? Peppermint tea? I'm looking at the mandarins on the counter, spiced citrus tea... we'll figure it out. Sorry 😭, I just don't want you to be (or feel) left out. I'll make you whatever you would like. 💙

I believe, and Siya does too, that you were always meant to be my son. I know you are. We just had to go through hell to find each other, and I guess go through hell again for you to come home. You are worth it though kiddo. You are worth everything. I Love you with all that I am dear heart, love you more than life. Hope you are doing ok
*hugs* 

💙

Every year we go to a tree farm and cut down a Christmas tree and get pumpkin donuts and apple cider and pet the animals. We always end up with the fatest tree ever. Then, and this is the best part, we shove it in the back of my car. Sometimes they're too tall so the hatch won't shut so we just tie it closed lol.

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are or the things and people you love. I am proud of who you are and everything you do and aspire to do. I am so fiercely proud to have you as my son, and I love you so gods damned much.

There is an evergreen tree growing in the median of hwy 26 just north of here. It's the lone singular tree for a long stretch. Every year people decorate it for Christmas. I don't know who, or when they do it, I've never actually seen anyone... but every year like clockwork, decorations appear. Earlier in the week it just had a reindeer, but today it had ribbon and a bunch of Christmas balls. I've always wanted to stop and put something on. Maybe we could do that?

Life can go fuck itself, I refuse to let you go. I love you too much to ever let you go. I wish you could come home for the holidays. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift for us both.

I made you this 😭

 

I was thinking.... I'm not that great yet, but I wanna attempt to make a Christmas stocking... for you. Probably won't get one done for this year, your art takes precedence. But definitely next year. Anway, I Love You, I'm proud of you, drink water, stay safe, and smile at least once for me 💙🫂💙

Can you feel it?
I'm with you dear heart, I'm always here with you.
Feel me holding you close to my heart, holding you tight.
Feel all the love I'm sending you
I've got you
Always
And I love you always
And that will never end
Never letting go
💙

 

Oregon keeps collecting official Dark Sky areas, so now we have choices! The original campground I found, Alvord Desert, a tiny town called Antelope, a park and another campground. I have the special red light flashlights already. Just need tent and stuff! I'll have to check the map, but probably worth hitting whichever has Bend en route and we can stay a night in Sunriver and go to the observatory.

Love you J, that's all, just I love you.
*hugs*
💙🫂💙 

Lookit what my top played song for 2024 is.

Gods. I didn't sleep very well because I kept somehow dreaming of bad feeling things but I wasn't actually asleep all the way? Plus this tattoo fucking hurts, but worth it so I don't mind. I was at the dr today just to check in how my long covid is doing, and I'd told the nurse I was tired.... she asked me if I was a mom and without thinking and with zero hesitation I said yes. :D

I fucking miss you. I want you to know that I'm here with you, always, and that I love you, very much mi̱ko. I'm sending you all the hugs and love I can. 

💙💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂💙🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂

I think that counts as officially official now or something ☺️
Love you bunches, love you always son of mine.
💙🫂💙

Dear heart, you don't have to protect me from the things going on in your life. I'm your mom, I protect you. I help and support you.
*a million hugs, all for you*
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙 

Guess what kiddo!! Happy anniversary? tumblrversary?? On this day, December 4th 2023 we tumbled (ha) into each other's lives. Thank you Jim for sucking at dating!
Love you J, and forever will. 

💙

 

I love you... so much
And you deserve love
You deserve so much
I want to give you all the happiness, and all the love.... because you do deserve it
I want to give you all the hugs because you deserve them
I want to give you all the help and support because you deserve it
I want to officially official legally be your momma... because you deserve me. You really do
*hugssss*
💙 

I made a yeti Christmas ornament and it's so derpy 😭

I wish you'd been born mine.  You should have been.   But, you're mine now, and always will be.  Love you dearly, son of mine.  Love you no matter what.

I'm not letting go.

Never ever

I got framed prints made of the art I made for your birthday. Going to hang them on the "family photos and important things" wall. Also finished part of your Christmas art and it came out so good I blew my own mind and now it's my phone wallpaper. Yes, I am humble about this.... 😭😭😭

I'm doing this stupid deco my tree. For anyone who wants to do the deco my tree and leave messages

*hug as tight as a black hole singularly*
You are so much more than just my son. You're my best friend and my hero too; you are my whole world, and I will always keep you close to my heart. Love you dear heart, that will never end. 

I'm getting a very special tattoo on Tuesday... I'm not telling you what though. You can see it when you get here 😌 

I gots new shoes

December tradition here... we do fancy chocolate advent calendars. I know you hate chocolate, so we'll have to find you something you love (or I can put together a custom one), but if you want to try any of the chocolate out, I'll split mine with you. That's how much I love you dumbass, I would willingly give up chocolate to you.

I promise you, swear to you, I will never stop loving you. You aren't going to lose me.
I'm never letting go of you. I've got you, you're my son. I'll always have you, you will always have me. l love you so damn much. Just have to hold on for me. There's always hope, even if it's hard to see, and we'll get through this, together. I'll be here every step of the way.

 

 

Was at the store and they had Haribo bears at the checkout...  and I know it's kind of dumb because you can get them literally everywhere, but I bought a bag....  for you....  they just, reminded me of you, so they will be here waiting. I miss you and I love you mi̱ko.  💙🫂💙

Momma

I will love you always, beyond the end of time... nothing will change that ever. Yeah, I'm your dumbass, and I love you so, so very much. 💙

Happy Thanksgiving lovebug. I don't usually do these because I never felt like I had reason to, but this year I do, because I am so lucky and grateful to have you in my life, even if it's not the way we wanted it to be right now. We will get there. I am so blessed to have you, and I am beyond proud and thankful to have you as my son. I love you, my little jakedaw, I always and forever will. 

💙🫂💙

Momma

John went home to NY for the holiday so it's just me and the pumpkin pie he left with me here. 😭. It's fine, I'm just here working on Christmas stuff. Miss you kiddo. 💙 Left this for you, it's also in dbox

*sings quietly to you*
I hope you are doing ok kiddo 💙
Love you, love you endlessly
Is it better if I put these videos on youtube instead of in Dbox?
I love you mi̱ko

I owe you so much.  So much love, so many hugs, so many moments.  I've been pouring all my love into this bedroom and this art, into everything I do, because I do it all for you.

I'm going to get you here, and I'm adopting your ass and you're gonna be so loved and supported you won't know what to do with yourself. It's why I started posting here. I knew you never wanted to say goodbye, and I wanted you to still have all that love to see you through. I've taken to making random videos for you to see when you can.  I wish I could do more though.  I wish I could be there.  I was supposed to protect you...

But I will make it all up to you.  I promise.

Love you to the moon and back.  💙🫂💙

There is nothing you could do that would ever make me love you less. I will always cherish you, I will always love you, I will always be so proud of you, and I will always be here for you... no matter what.

Ps: found the perfect Christmas gift for youuuuuuuu 💙

I wish you could read the notes and watch the video I left, but just know I love you and I miss you kiddo, more than anything in this life.

I love you more than life and as far as I'm concerned you're my own damn blood son. I know deep in my heart and soul you were always my son. You are all that matters to me.

💙🫂💙

 

You Should See You In A Crown

Drowns you in love and hugs
💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙💙🫂💙💙💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂 

love you always and forever son of mine. 

I still randomly scroll through things

Couldn't sleep, made a video, it's in dbox

Come here kiddo, *extra extra times three tight hug*.  And I love you... with all my heart mi̱ko, and I love you with all my soul, my little jakedaw... and I love you with all l am and all I will ever be Jakob.  I just want you to make it here, to me... so l can give you the tightest hug I possibly can, and all the love that I can possibly give you, and all the good things you deserve.

Ps: left you a video and stuff in dbox...

And There Is A Silence So Soft It's Only Memory

You're my hero and my rock too ya'know?  You are the one thing I love and value most in my life.  

I made this dumb little owl for you. You'll have to give it a name.

 

I guess we're getting hit by a stupid bomb cyclone and it's going to dump record amounts of rain. So here's the maple with all it's fall colours, because it probably won't have any leaves by the end of the week.

 

PS: working on Christmas art... you're a total BAMF king mi̱ko. Love you.

I will alway love you, I will always cherish you, I will always be here for you, and I will always be so fucking proud of you.  I hope you see this....  and know just how much you mean to me, how much I care about you and love you... more than there are stars in every fucking universe.

I don't know how often you read these anymore, but I left some stuff on dbox, and I told Siya about it too.  I love you...  I'm terrified of losing you. Hold on to me kiddo.. just..  fuck... sorry

I love you

You matter... so much

Do you know....  weʼre coming up on a one year anniversary... where I told Jim to stop asking Toby for dating advice.  Gods... I miss you kiddo, and I love you, with all that I am.  You're too important to lose, lovebug.  You're my whole world. I Love you so much it powers the brightest stars in the universe. 💙🫂💙

I wish telepathy was real. *we could do the mind talk thing.... love you mi̱ko*
Or magic... or a time stone. I'd go back and stop this from happening. Can I just... use the damn time stone now? 😢
None of us deserved this... especially you.
God I miss you. I love you, my little jakedaw, always. 

 

Throwback Thursday!

In 2003, a group of online friends got together and went to Prescott Arizona (for Siya, it was a car group!). The Texas peopled joined up with us New Mexico people for the trip. We stopped at the Jackrabbit Trading Post in Joseph City Arizona on old route 66... because it has a 10 ft tall jackrabbit statue.... so naturally we had to take a group photo... and naturally I loudly declared it was mine, ran ahead, and climbed on top of the thing. We were a fun and wacky group. I'll have to take you on the whole 4 corners tour one day... Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and Utah. Full of national and state parks, mountains, and wild desert beauty.

No star too distant,
no journey too long 

-my love for you, my son,
outshines and outlasts them all

Behold.... Stickscalibur!!!!!

Just Tell Me How To Keep Breathing

Don't mind me...

I'm just sitting here, on the bathroom floor...

Listening to the rain

 

I need you too, you know

What if, after years of trial,
a love should come
and lay a hand upon you and say,
this late,
your life is not a crime 

 -J Fasano- 

  

So back a few chapters (173) I said I'd learned things. Well I uploaded some stuff on dbox in important things. It's hope. 

Also, a very important question that you should think on for the future.... newts? Or fish? Or... both? You can tell me later, but whatever you choose, I'll absolutely make it happen. 💙 

Love you bunches and bunches 💙🫂💙

You deserve the world, you deserve all the love, and hugs, and happiness. And I would do everything in my power to give it to you. I miss you, and I worry about you, and I love you, and you are constantly on my mind. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me lovebug. 💙💙💙

Ok my kiddo who is trained in martial arts....  you'll have to teach me a couple of self defense moves.  I know you're capable of keeping us both safe... but what if there's like... a pack of ninjas?  And I need to help? In all seriousness though, it's probably good if you teach me something.  No judo flips though, sorry 😭😭😭

Decorated your room a bit today! OML I can't wait for you to see this 😌✨🌊💙
Love you mi̱ko. Sending you all the hugs
💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙🫂🫂🫂💙🫂💙🫂💙💙💙🫂🫂💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙🫂💙💙🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💙